Something Stupid

I've decided to delete my prior posts- my vents over my husband's recent behavior. It occured to me last night that I really am truly lucky, truly blessed, to have him in my life. I still don't condone what he's put me through, but I couldn't imagine losing him either. I feel that my vents unleashed some rage that had been building up inside me, and I may have said unreasonable and scathing things about those involved.

Nobody in this world is perfect. We all make mistakes.

Goodness knows, I've made my fair share.

But marrying my husband wasn't one of them. While half watching TV/ half having a conversation with a friend last night, it dawned on me that I'm not ready for my marriage to be over. I'm willing to work through this, if my husband is.

Speaking of which- I still haven't heard from him. Tomorrow it will be 1 week since he left. I'm so scared for him, it's hard to put into words.

Anyhow ladies, I've still got some housework to do, the bathtub drain has been clogged the last few days (the shower water is draining out extremely slowly!) so I need to go shove some Draino in it and hope for the best!

Hope your week is treating you beautifully. Thank you again everyone for your kind words of support during this difficult time for me.

xxxAmber

I Was Only Nineteen

If you're not familiar with it,

check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gmgwx77osw

The song originally came out in the 80s and was re-released a few years back in response to the war in Iraq, although the premise still centers around Vietnam.

It's probably one of the few songs out there that can really give me the chills =/

P.S. it's important to listen to the lyrics in this song. If you enjoy the above, the original video clip from the song's first release in 1983 (which contains actual footage from Vietnam) is here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Urtiyp-G6jY&feature=related

Red Door Give Away

Check this out!
http://behindmyreddoor.blogspot.com/2008/08/its-give-away-time.html
Isn't this give away just gorgeous? Not long left to enter, though!

Finally!

So, I finally managed to serve DH something for dinner that he actually complimented me on. To be truthful, he never really compliments food in general. But I was honestly starting to wonder if I could ever please him when it came to dinners.

I know that there really isn't anything wrong with my cooking, because other people love my cooking. DH however is eternally unimpressed.

However, Kung Pao Chicken- (thanks to a packet mix because I was being lazy) my husband said he liked. Wow. So anyhow despite the lack of effort required in packet mix Kung Pao Chicken I'm more than thrilled.

Anyhow I'm out of here. I swear all day all I've done is sleep, clean the kitchen, sleep, cook and clean the kitchen, and chill out on the couch and watch Dukes of Hazzard with DH. I feel lazy. Laundry needs to be done, and I also need to clean DH's gear from the field tomorrow. Ugh that's such a big messy job I'm not looking forward to that one! Oh well, no avoiding it!

Hope ya'll having a good weekend :)

I'm Back!

I'm back everyone!

So sorry about the unexpected hiatus- I guess it was a mixture of being not sure what to write about, being uninspired, or just being busy! Since I last posted a fair bit has happened.

In July, DH left to go to California for his pre-deployment training. Then for 2 weeks I got to catch up with my mother, who came to the United States to speak at a convention at Arizona State University, then she went to New York City (lucky thing!) to catch up with friends, then finally to North Carolina to catch up with me :) My mother and I spent time in Raleigh, Asheville, then back to Jacksonville so I could show her where I lived, etc.

Surprisingly enough, my mother actually accepted Jacksonville as a reasonable place to live- after all it has everything and isn't far from spectacular beaches at places like Emerald Isle! It isn't so bad here after all :) She also liked my house, and thankfully was complimentary on my housekeeping skills! (that's a first!)

After she left, there has been a series of unfortunate events, which I vented about/seeked advice on, in the PH forums. DH got back last night though and he is going to ensure that everything is sorted out. I'll be honest, DH and I were going through a bit of a rough patch for a while, but I think he's just been stressed about everything going on, and his deployment. All is forgiven and forgotten.

I transferred over the last of the money I had left in Australia, and paid off DH's personal loan, and one of his credit cards to take a bit of pressure off us and keep the debt collectors at bay! He's happy about that, and after a brief discussion agreed to let me hide that particular credit card so that it can't be used except in a mutually agreed upon emergency!

You know I really don't know what I'm going to do while he's in Iraq for so long- by then, everyone will have moved out of the house, and I think that somehow, being alone, even in this tiny house, will make it feel huge :( I really hope that I have my work visa by then because at least if I can throw myself into work, hopefully the days will pass by quicker and I can keep myself busy!

Also, while he's away- I've made a plan to lose 75 lbs over the course of 1 year. That's about 1.5 lbs every week. I know, I know, you're probably thinking I don't need to lose 75 lbs! But believe me, I do!

I think I've mentioned it before- but, almost everyone who looks at me underestimates how much I weigh. One of my good friends back in St. Louis laughed at me when I told her, and said I was "crazy". Nope, I'm not crazy. I'm just heavy! I've gained so much weight since I moved to America 2 years ago! It's gone straight to my hips, tummy, and thighs! I feel like a bloated hippopotamus!

I even had a slight argument with the lady who issued my military spouse ID back in April. She laughed too, when I told her, and she's like "no way! I say you weigh xxx-amount" and put that instead! Maybe I just carry my weight well, or dress to hide my weight well, I'm not sure. Either way though, I'm disgusted when I look in the mirror. And I know that my current weight is far from healthy.

When I first moved here I went to Curves for a month to try and burn off some weight, but, we couldn't afford the monthly fee for me to continue to go so after my 1 month trial I cancelled.

I think it will be easier for me to lose weight though, once I've got the house to myself, and I'm not cooking for 4 or more adults every night. I can actually focus on what I should be eating for my health, not what I know will please everybody else!

We live on far too many carbohydrates, far too much meat, and far too many fats!

Admittedly I formed a lot of bad culinary habits when I lived by myself in St. Louis, I was working anywhere between 60-75 hours per week, often for up to a month straight without any days off. When I got home I was entirely exhausted, and instead of cooking a nutritious meal for myself, I'd just shove something in the Microwave and pig out on convenient snack food, or just get a fast food take out if I hadn't had time to do the grocery shopping.

Then to make matters worse, while I was at work, to get energy when working the frequent double shifts, I'd eat. Remember, I worked at a Hotel, and I'll be honest with you- everybody 'stole' food from the kitchen throughout the night. Whether it be leftover cookies that had been baked and not sold in room service, haagen daaz icecream from the deep freeze, whatever it was- the night crew always pigged out.

My over eating too, was probably a result of the depression I was diagnosed with early this year. I just hated my job, and my life, and myself so much!

I'm seriously much more content with my life now, and even though 99% of the time all of our meals are home cooked, I always dish myself out portions which are far too big, and I always cook comfort foods! Tater Tot Casserole, Fried Chicken, Crock Pot Potatoes, Spaghetti Bolognaise & Garlic Bread! It's far from being healthy, even if it's always a hearty meal!

So I'm proposing that I get rid of any notions I have of dieting. Because for me, every time I've tried to diet, I can't stick to it! My new diet is going to be a plan of my own creation, and I'll let you all in on it once I've worked out the finer details :)

While DH is in Iraq, this blog is going to be a mix of venting about his deployment, my probably non-existant life while he's deployed, and most importantly my weight loss journey. DH is deploying in September so the plan starts then!

Again, sorry about the unannounced hiatus, I hope you're all doing well :)

Aussie Sausage Rolls Recipe

Well, I tweaked a couple of Aussie Sausage Rolls recipes the other night and came up with something that was a huge hit, so much so that the boys (I swear I've always got half a dozen marines at my house at any given time!) were actually talking about how 'badassed' they were the next day! Sorry I didn't take photographs of the Sausage Rolls, I will next time though!

INGREDIENTS:
1 lb pork mince (ground pork)
a few sprigs of fresh parsley
1 medium carrott- grated
1 onion- finely chopped
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp cayenne (red pepper)
1 tbsp butter- melted
4 sheets of puff pastry
1 egg yolk
2 tsp water

METHOD:
1) In a bowl, mix together Pork, Carrott, Onion, Parsley, Salt, Pepper, Nutmeg, Cayenne and Melted Butter until evenly combined

2) Cut each piece of pastry in half

3) Spoon out pork mixture on to pastry and create a 'sausage' shape length ways, about 1 inch wide, and about 1 inch from the side of the pastry

4) Roll pastry with mixture and push together seams. Brush with mixture of egg yolk & water.

5) Cut each roll into quarters (4 sausage rolls per half a pastry sheet)

6) Place on lined baking tray, then in oven at 450F for 10 minutes

7) Reduce heat to 375F and bake for a further 20 minutes

8) Let cool for 5 minutes, then serve with a side of brown gravy or ketchup!

And they should end up looking something like this! I promise to include my own photos of the step by step process next time :)

Point Of Known Return

Things are better. A lot better now since my last post. Life and reality just seemed to hit DH and me very hard the other week, and in very different ways. We dealt with the issues in our own ways though, and are now contently moving on.

Whatever angels are looking out for us right now, they're doing a good job! DH & I were worried about how we were going to pay the bills this month because we'd had so many unexpected expenses, we were about to go into more debt and concerned that there was no way we could possibly make ends meet.

For a few days, we'd had another newlywed couple staying with us while they looked for a home in the area. They were good friends of DH's and honestly were no trouble whatsoever, in fact I was enjoying having them, despite the fact that our little house was a lot more crowded!

Then yesterday, C was meant to be returning home to Kentucky but asked if she could stay on, as she'd been unsuccessful in finding a suitable house so far (there really is a shortage of decent rentals in this town, and base housing has an 8 month backlog). Of course I agreed, after all, it took me 6 weeks to get a house in JVille, 4 of those weeks I had to be away from DH because I had nowhere in town to live, so I understood their predicament. Anyhow, she has offered to make a substantial contribution to the rent and utilities, which is actually an answer to our prayers.

I asked DH and he agreed that they could definitely stay for a bit longer, and any financial contribution is a blessing. Honestly even though I'd be happy to have them free of charge, the notion that we may actually be able to pay all our bills this month after all cheers us both up exceptionally. It will give us more time to get back on our feet, after all.

You would have thought that two newlywed couples in a tiny little 2 bedroom house with barely room to swing a cat would be awkward, but it honestly isn't so bad. They're a delightful couple and very easy to live with.

Life is back on track :)

All I Ever Wanted

I'm a failure at this.

I'm positively horrible at this.

I'm miserable.

My husband is even more miserable.

This is not how it was meant to be.

I honestly can't do anything right it seems. No matter how hard I try. And for an over acheiver like myself, it hurts a hell of a lot. I'm trying, I really am. But for some reason the puzzle pieces just aren't falling into place.

I know he's stressed about his work, and his upcoming deployment, and the situation with his ex-girlfriend.

I know I'm stressed about all of the legal work required to allow me to stay in the country.

Additionally we're both stressed about our financial situation which seems to be getting worse by the day. It just seems like it's been one thing after another. And I don't seem to be able to make things right. I don't want to harp on about the things he spends his money on. He's the one receiving the income right now, so I don't feel I have a right to say anything.

But now we can't even pay next months rent without taking out a loan. We've only been at our house 2 weeks (I paid the deposit + first 2 weeks rent, next is due June 01). And even though Chris just got paid the other day, with all of the allotments that have come out, in addition to his spending, we're already on the verge of being overdrawn.

As for my savings, I'm skint. I paid $300 deposit to get the electric on, $270 deposit for the water company, $750 deposit on the house plus $425 for the first two weeks, in addition to over $1000 for the Uhaul from Missouri, plus the groceries and any extra items we've needed for the house. I'm scared to even check my bank balance because I know it will near be non existant.

I don't want money and finances to rule our lives. But at the moment it is. Somehow the stress of it's non entity seems to be frustrating us both beyond belief.

I'm not blaming DH for our situation right now, I should have budgetted my own money more effectively so that I could contribute more, however money does seem to just slip through his fingers. He's a very spontaneous person, and I've always liked that about him... but it seems he's a very spontaneous shopper as well.

To make things worse, he's beyond aggrevated at me right now. Most likely with good reason. I've been acting selfish lately it seems.

He left the house just after 8am this morning, it's now almost 2:30pm and he's not answering his phone and I'm worried about him. Best case scenario, he's out having fun and misplaced his phone. But possible situations are running through my mind at the moment which I'd rather not even mention. Mind you, I probably deserve this.

I got really upset over dinner the other night. About everything. To the point where I completely lost my appetite (highly unusual for me!) and felt like I was about to burst into tears. I told him I was going to put gas in my car... well, I filled up my Buick with gas then decided to go to the beach to just chill for a while to clear my head.

I called my Mum and spoke to her about the situation, and she told me to go home and talk to Chris about it. Thing was, because of the detour (road closure) from Topsail Beach, I got a bit confused and coming home took longer than anticipated. Consequently I didn't get home til about midnight. Obviously my husband was less than pleased to put it mildly.

I know what I did was wrong, I should have called him or something, but I didn't have the words, I didn't quite know what to say to him. I was still hurting far too much inside.

I still am.

Maybe I'm looking at this the entirely wrong way. I'm not sure. It's killing me knowing he's not happy. But everything I do to try and ammend things just seems to make things worse.

I know I'm a screwed up individual. And that's an understatement. I know that I'm needy of affection, attention, and just overall approval, mainly because I lacked all of the above growing up. Consequently I know it gets on peoples nerves sometimes, despite the fact that I'm aware of it and try my hardest to put other peoples needs before my own.

But I honestly am trying. I want to be a good wife.

But all I've become his a huge pain in the @$$.

That's The Marine Corps For Ya

Well, Chris had to go back to work 3 days early. His SSgt called the house yesterday. I'm wishing I'd never answered the phone. *sigh* So consequently last night was a mad rush to go down to the laundromat and get his uniforms cleaned (our washer & dryer is yet to be delivered) and get everything sorted for today.

He was really not in a good mood this morning. Neither am I to tell you the honest truth. There's still so much more to do, now it's going to be down to me for the next few days. Thankfully he still has the weekend off- (he should technically have been getting a 96 since it's memorial day weekend but gosh knows what's happening anymore). We're going up to Kentucky for one of his friend's weddings.

At least we got the stuff sorted out at the bank yesterday. But honestly, it's just one thing after another with us. We both have issues with our car registrations at the moment (long long long story), I need to start studying to get my drivers licence changed over to North Carolina (being an Australian, and never having gotten a US Drivers licence before- I have to retake the written and practical tests... prac is fine, written is the one I'm concerned about).

And to top it all off- everything is working out to be much more expensive in this state than either of us anticipated. I swear the Tarheel state nickel and dimes you on everything. And makes nothing easy!

We miss the midwest!!! :(

Sorry For The Hiatus!

Well, here I am in my house in North Carolina at last! My apologies for the Hiatus- as you can imagine I've been super busy with moving, etc. DH has been absolutely wonderful about everything. I know how much of a pain it had to have been to help me pack all of my stuff up out of my apartment (even though after we got rid of some stuff to Goodwill, my entire life barely half filled a regular size U-Haul!).

We then went to Indianapolis for a couple of days to see his family- his mother is such a sweetheart, she had bought me a new black handbag, and apparently I'm the only girl Chris has ever brought home that she actually likes. (Okay considering I'm his wife that's a good thing! If you hadn't been following previously- I didn't actually meet his folks until the night after we got married!). Anyhow I head down here Thursday night in my car because I needed to pick up the keys Friday morning, and had an appointment for the phone/cable/internet connection. I also had to organize for the electricity, trash collection and water to be switched over into our names.

DH left Indy after lunch on Friday and got down in the early hours of Saturday morning. So our first night together in the house was spent sleeping on the floor because we were both too tired to unload the Uhaul! Yesterday was mainly spent unloading the Uhaul- and the house currently looks like the Wreck of the Hespares because we kinda just dumped it all in here til we get all our stuff sorted out. Apart from our beds (we're using his from Indianapolis in the master bedroom, and mine from St. Louis as the spare bed in the spare room), and my desk and bookshelf, we don't really have any big stuff but we seem to both have a lot of boxes of little useless stuff. We'll get it sorted though. Eventually! At least we've got one of the beds set up so we could actually have a good night's rest last night!

Anyhow at the moment DH is getting his oil changed in his car. And I thought I'd get online quickly to tell ya'll what was happening! I need to get dressed here soon though, when DH gets back he is picking up a sofa & a loveseat that his friend is kindly donating to us, and I need to get down to Walmart to buy a microwave (the one I had in St. Louis came with the apartment) and some other random stuff that we need. DH & I also need to get to Sears sometime within the next few days to invest in a washer & dryer!

All in all though, things are going very very smoothly- here are a few pics of the inside of our house (and the view from the windows) before we unloaded everything from the Uhaul! I'll take some more once we have everything organized inside :)

Today!!!

I finally get to see DH after over 3 weeks... TODAY!!! :) :) :)

Recipe Plan 05/19-06/01

Yeah, now this is really jumping the gun but I've got time on my hands and I'm procrastinating cleaning out my closet so I've decided to plan my menu for my husband and I, for our first 2 weeks in our new house in NC. Even though we're moving in on 05/15, I honestly have the feeling that we'll be getting take out for a few days while we're unpacking and getting settled in. So I'm post dating the menu planning a bit :) Anyway, here goes! (Oh and for the record, my DH enjoys cooking and wants to cook on weekends!)

Monday 05/19: Asian Chicken & Noodle Stir Fry
Tuesday 05/20: Oven Fried Chicken, Steakhouse Fries & Green Beans
Wednesday 05/21: Teriyaki Beef Skewers & Rice
Thursday 05/22: Aussie Sausage Rolls, Mashed Potatoes & Gravy
Friday 05/23: Eating Out Somewhere :)
Saturday 05/24: DH is cooking
Sunday 05/25: DH is cooking
Monday 05/26: Tapas- Patatas Bravas, Pa Amb Oli, Ajilo Mushrooms, Express Paella
Tuesday 05/27: Spaghetti & Meatballs with Garlic Bread
Wednesday 05/28: BBQ Beef Burgers with Salad & Fries
Thursday 05/29: Toasted Ravioli and Salad
Friday 05/30: Eating Out somewhere :)
Saturday 05/31: DH is cooking
Sunday 06/01: Dh is cooking

Anyway, I think that works for now :) Can you tell I have the propensity to pre-plan everything a little too much?

Tears Dry On Their Own

Well, I feel much better than I did the other day. Blogging and getting all my frustrations and concerns out there, always seem to help matters. Then I had a new issue to contend with, although I've decided today that it's basically a non-issue and I'm just going to make the best of it.

One of DH's friends is probably going to be moving in with us for a few months, until he gets discharged from the Marine Corps. He is a nice guy, and even though it was an initial shock, I trust DH's judgement on the situation. Although my initial thoughts were pertaining to the fact that this guy isn't going to be paying board, and the financial factor, plus the extra housework it might present me. But I'm sure that everything will work itself out somehow.

A few months ago, not long before I got married, I came across Prairie Home Maker Forums and they seriously have been a God-Send. The ladies there are absolutely phenomenal, and always offer support and suggestions and ease any concerns I may have. Naturally I asked about the situation pertaining to DH's friend moving in, and the main consensus is that ground rules should be set with regards to his responsibilities and my responsibilities.

So I've decided to cross that bridge when I come to it. I mean, it hasn't happened yet. Within the next few weeks, M might decide that he doesn't want to move in after all, right?

Anyways, I need to pack up my closet today so I'd better get started. Have a good one all!

xAmber

Useless Desires

All I've ever wanted is for my mother to be proud of me someday. But the criticism always ends up rearing it's ugly head again. After I got off the phone to her yesterday I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, feeling sick, trying desperately to fight off tears. I can't cry. I won't cry. I rarely ever cry. But it was so hard not to.

I've tried to tell my mother how much she hurts me. But she won't hear of it. In fact, yesterday I said in plain English that how she treats me, how my Grandmother treats me, their attitude towards me and expectations of me, kill me inside. I know she just wants the best for me, she has always just wanted me to make her proud. But I never quite made it.

Now it's come to light that my Husband isn't good enough. He doesn't earn enough money. He isn't good looking enough. And why didn't I stay with Jeremy? Jeremy was good looking and older and earned more money. Mother, Jeremy was MARRIED. It was a situation I was best rid of.

And then I made the mistake of mentioning something from the bible. Which only got me yelled at, expletives thrown, and then put my mother on the topic of the fact that I should really be seeking 'enlightenment down a Buddhist path'. I thought Buddhists (like she claims to be) were meant to be understanding, accepting, and non critical of other religions. Christianity is just another thing she can't accept, won't accept, scoffs at, and another thing to criticize me for.

How can you believe that ****? It's all bull****! Of course, with my mother I have learned that I just have to hear her out. Let her talk. Let her say what she has to say. Any interjection or disagreement and I'll never hear the end of it.

From the other side of the world, she can still make me feel like a worthless, useless child again. No matter how strong I try to be, it still hurts. In her world, there's no such thing as love, no such thing as happiness, just cruel reality. That's what I was brought up beleiving. Through her eyes, how could I be happy in mediocre jobs, married to somebody who barely earns above a reasonable living wage, living in a small 2 bedroom townhouse in a nondescript city in a 'nothing state' as she calls North Carolina, how could I possibly be happy?

And again, I meet the fact that she'll be visiting in July with great trepidation. The last time I saw my mother, in October last year in Europe, within 24 hours my depression hit me in ugly, horrible ways as my thoughts drifted to ending my existance. I was too fat, what was wrong with my hair, what was wrong with my skin, that top is too baggy those jeans are too loose, your apartment is too small, your car is a bomb.

Nothing I do is ever right, not in the long run. I know that I'll make myself sick with worry when she comes to visit.

Thing is, sometimes things between my Mum are just fine- especially when we go for long periods of time without talking to eachother. But if we talk too often, any more than once a week, it turns into a judgemental mess.

I just want her love and respect. It's all I've ever wanted. As I got older though it got even more difficult, maybe that's why I became as trouble making and attention seeking as I did. But I can't blame my faults on anybody but myself. I take responsibility for my own actions, and any mistakes I may have made in this life.

*sigh* Off that topic now.

On the bright side, I got the opportunity to speak with 2 good friends who I've known for many, many years, who are currently both in Iraq right now.

friend: your just Amber... your no more screwed up then the rest of the world :)

For some reason, that made me laugh and definitely made me smile. When I commented on the fact that I was just rambling, and screwed up.

Honestly though, I'm glad Jeff & Paul were both amazingly online today. I hadn't spoken to either of them for so long. And they both had the ability to cheer me up and make me feel like a worthwhile human being again. Additionally, knowing that they were both okay after so long without hearing from either was comforting as well.

Anyways I might call my husband and see what he's up to. I didn't get to talk to him last night other than via text message because he was out playing pool or something.

Hope you're all having good weekends!

xA

Killing Time

DH & I were at a restaurant in Indianapolis a couple of days after we got married. There was a group of young girls at a table nearby. They were gossipping and giggling quite loudly so it was hard not to notice them. "Check that out! They can't be anymore than 15!" DH said to me. "Girls didn't dress like that when I was 15!" DH continued. I agreed, Girls didn't dress like that when I was 15 either. And I thought my teenage years were on the crazy side!

It must be noted, that DH is 21. Obviously as you all know, I'm 24. So, 15 really wasn't that long ago for either of us. Especially not DH.

An article in the Washington Post recently about the fact that the sexualization of girls is getting younger, and younger (think the Miley Cyrus scandal- the MySpace photos and the Vanity Fair photos) got me thinking about this table of scantily clad 15 year olds in tight mini skirts, barely-there tops, and high heels, too much makeup and too much peroxide.

Even at my craziest, you could never say that I dressed provocatively. In High School I went through phases, most predominantly I went through the whole tortured artist thing, and decided I was a mix of goth, punk and rockabilly. In retrospect, the look was more tragic and trashy than glamorously artistic, but it was never provocative. I always covered up.

What is up with these little girls nowadays though? Why do their parents let them leave the house looking like that? Why do their parents allow them to buy clothes like that? Yes, I know teenagers are difficult and rebellious. I was difficult and rebellious too. But what next? When did this become socially acceptable?

Of course I'm sure this problem isn't new. In fact, I know it isn't. If you remember the original Degrassi Junior High/Degrassi High series from the 1980s (not the new stupid spinoff on Nickelodeon), you may remember a character in the 1st season called 'Stephanie Kaye'. She changed her clothing and did her makeup at school, without her mother's knowledge. Of course this just meant that she eventually got a bad reputation, got into bad situations, and her mother sent her to a strict girls school instead (the reason cited for her departure before the 2nd season).

I know however, that it isn't necessarily the case. When I was working at the Front Desk of a hotel in downtown St. Louis, I saw more than my fair share of ridiculously scantily clad teenage females pass through. The hotel hosted regional finals for some Miss Teen something-or-other pageant, and even the clothes that a lot of the pageant girls wore when they weren't in competition I thought was less than appropriate social attire. In addition to that, high school proms were hosted, and various inter-state school functions, dance competitions, cheerleading competitions, so on and so on.

Working at the hotel, I met some truly wonderful, pleasant guests... and some truly awful ones (my only consolation after getting frequently yelled at for hours on end by disatisfied guests, was the fact that they probably have a horrible life and I just unfortunately have to bear the release of their frustrations upon the world). All in all though, I couldn't hack it. After 18 months I was happy to leave the hospitality industry for good. In such a short period of time, it seemed that people in the general public had degenerated even further.

It was getting more difficult to put on a smile and keep my mouth shut and remain pleasant, even after a guest had spat in my face (oh yes that happened a few times!), or gentlemen guests made sexual advances (that happened a lot of times), or when drunken naked teenagers vomit on you in the hallways (the joys of working night shift!).

And this is a 4 1/2 star hotel we're talking about here.

Where's our society headed? Is it going to hit rock bottom and improve? Or have we hit rock bottom already?

Stimulus Payment!

Well, I was all disgruntled because I was certain that I would not be getting the stimulus payment due to some clause about permanent residency (which although in the process of filing for, I don't have yet, still on the visa!). But, alas, it hit my account today!

Unfortunately DH's isn't going to hit until the 16th because of the last 2 digits of his social security number. The $600 I received has cheered me up though! It definitely helps a lot. Especially with my rent due on my current apartment, then our first months rent due on May 15 at DH & I's new house!

I'm thanking God in my prayers for that today, that's for sure :)

For What It's Worth

I seriously do complain too much. I was flipping through my Road Trip USA book today- a book that has served as my favorite travel companion for the past 5 years. And it occured to me, that I've really got so much to be thankful for in my life.

Going through the pages thinking, been there, been there, oh I remember that, oh yes been there too. It dawned on me that I truly am so lucky. Yes, I worked hard to get everything in my life, but I've been truly blessed with opportunities as well.

To come from a single-parent home, with a mother who although she tried, could never make ends meet when I was growing up, and had no help from anyone else either, to eventually being in a situation where I travel the world at every given opportunity, is quite a change. And one that I don't seem to give thanks for, or appreciate often enough.

I've always been hard headed, I always used to believe that everything I'd ever got in my life, I worked for. I was the one working from the age of 14 onwards. I was the one working 17-18 hour days without weekends. I was the one putting money away to travel. But, it wasn't just me, was it. God was on my side all along. He gave me the strength and the drive to work hard. And He put the opportunities in front of me, all I had to do was reach for them and strive for them.

So, my resolution for today and this weekend is to attempt to not complain as much as I have been. And to appreciate, and be thankful for the truly wonderful life I've been able to lead these past few years.

And every morning when I wake up to a Good Morning Beautiful text message from my husband, it never fails to put a smile on my face.

Life isn't so bad afterall.

Polyester Girl

My best guy-friend Ben, who I've known since I was 12 years old and is as close to a brother as I've ever known, went to a school in our hometown called ACGS (Anglican Church Grammar School, colloquially known as 'Churchie'). In 1998 I attended the 'Senior Formal' (aka Prom) with a friend of mine, and again in 2000.

In 2001-2002 I was in a relationship with another alumni from ACGS. So, Overall, I think that I'm more than qualified to share my knowledge of the school.

Honestly though, what the world is coming to has shocked me. Now, I think I'm a pretty tolerant person overall, but there are certain things in this world that I do not approve of. For instance, I think peoples sexual preferences should be left behind closed doors.

This article from my hometown's newspaper however shocked me. 8 Anglican Church Grammar School boys, wanted to take their homosexual partners to the Senior Formal! For goodness sake, back in 1998-2000, you were outcast if you didn't wear a black suit, I know for a fact, that 10 years ago, nobody would have even contemplated taking their gay partner to the formal. Let alone 8 of them!

Call me a traditionalist perhaps, maybe I'm not as open minded as I thought. Of course, their requests got over turned, but it's just proof that the world is changing in dramatic ways.

It's funny though, isn't it, I'm 24 and I'm already feeling old.

Mediterranean Memories

It wasn't too long ago that I was last in Europe. It's starting to seem like an eternity ago, though! DH, so far, has never left the United States, and although his first trip outside the US will be to Iraq, we've already started semi-planning a 6 month Europe stint which in the near future I'll have to start budgeting for, for when he gets out of the Marine Corps in 2011. I know it sounds like forever away... but we're looking forward to it irregardless!

Anyhow, I was flipping through my lovely travel snaps of Europe and it's occured to me that I really need to start learning how to expand my European cooking skills! I'm a master at most Pan-Asian dishes, fabulous at the basic British/Australian fare, and getting better at good old American down-home cooking and baking as well. But aside from westernized Spaghetti and Pizza, European delicacies I admittedly haven't attempted. So, that in mind, I'm going to begin collecting recipes of wonderful dishes I remember tasting on my travels.

And first of all, I'm traveling (virtually!) to Spain for some Tapas!

-Ajillo Mushrooms
-Pinchitos Morunos
-Pa amb Oli
-Patatas Bravas
-Tocinillo de Cielo

Take a while to peruse the rest of the Spain Recipes website as well- it's got a lot of wonderful dishes! In all honesty I've never liked Paella, and even though I ate it in Spain (who could avoid it?) I haven't liked it otherwise. So, after DH & I get settled in to our new house, I'm going to have to have a Tapas Night I've decided.

Gosh, 05/10 needs to hurry up and get here already! I miss DH like crazy :(

xA

How Do You Live Your Life?

How You Life Your Life

You tend to deprive yourself of things you crave, for your own good. You say whatever is on your mind. Other people's reactions don't phase you. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

The above is mostly correct- except about the friends bit. I have a few close friends who I have been friends with for years and years, although I guess I have had 'transient' friends over the years too. *shrugs* For the most part though, it's pretty spot on!

Everything Changes

It's one thing to be a Military Wife.

It's another thing to be a foreign Military Wife.

As I start the paperwork for my change of status to immigrant, it dawns on me what a huge ordeal this is going to be. When Chris and I got engaged, and married, I guess it was always in the back of our minds that there'd be some paperwork. But the sheer volume of forms to fill out, affadavits, certificates, this that and the other, is simply overwhelming.

I'm seriously contemplating hiring an immigration lawyer, but I just got quoted $1400 just for a consultation on top of approximately $1300 worth of US Government fees. Those prices seriously hurt my head.

The paperwork and the cost of this was the last thing on our minds when Chris and I decided to get married. We were just so stoked and excited (and still are) about starting a life together that the logistics of it all just seemed to fall by the wayside for both of us.

I remember my friend Giovanna, from Brazil, who married her sweetheart that she met over here while in college, mentioning this that and the other about the process, but she never went into too much detail, and never made it sound like much of an ordeal. Actually we never spoke about it much, period. We worked together and our conversations were usually either work related, or pertaining to her and her husband remodeling the basement of their house, which she was very proud of. :) Immigration and visas? Maybe mentioned once or twice.

Thankfully though, Chris is being awesome about this entire thing. He's probably keeping a more level head about it than me! That's one thing I've always appreciated about him, he rarely ever gets stressed, or if he does he doesn't let it show, whereas I stress out far too much at times, and it definitely shows! When I bombarded him with text messages today saying I needed his last three W2s, his last three income tax returns, his birth certificate, passport sized photos, etc etc, when he comes to St. Louis, it was all perfectly fine. Even if I felt bad about the amount of hassle, he easily agrees to do whatever it takes. He's truly wonderful like that. I really am lucky :)

Anyways, I probably will choose to get a lawyer just to make it easier, and I'll contemplate the cost and how we're going to afford it later. At least I'll know everything is done correctly that way, then I can just focus on being a fantastic, wonderful, less-stressed, wife :) Sounds like a plan, huh?

xA

Come Rain Or Come Shine

Serves me right for thinking negatively yesterday I suppose... DH's leave has been pushed back again. Yup. 5th time. They have to do something out at the Rifle Range so he can't come til 05/10 now. Oh my goodness :(

So, yesterday I had the first part of my medical for my new visa. Honestly I've never met such an incompetent Doctor! It was crazy, I was telling him what to check for, even though his surgery was in the directory for places approved to get full immigration medicals! Then, when I thought we were done for the day (it's separated into 2 appointments) I was out at the reception desk preparing to pay and the nurse asked me if the Doctor had given me a skin-test for Tuburculosis. Uh, no? So she had to grab the Doctor and sit me down in another room so he could do that. Insane! Now I'm just hoping like crazy that he's not really as incomptent as he seemed, and hopefully doesn't label my blood tests/skin samples etc wrong!

He wasn't even friendly which made the whole situation even more awkward. Honestly though, since moving to America, no offence, but I think I've only ever met 1 doctor that I've actually liked- my OB-GYN. She's a sweetheart. Thankfully I've never had much cause to visit doctors over here, but the experiences overall haven't been positive ones. What's up with that?

And I thought the state of health affairs in Australia were bad.

Ah well, what can ya do?

//end vent now. Like I said, thankfully I never have much cause to see doctors!

Slow Ride

DH really wants a new car. Honestly I think we've had this conversation about a million times. Sure, I'd love us to get a new car. I've got an old Buick that has more issues than you can poke a stick at (I get one thing fixed and then there's something else wrong! It never ends!) and he has a 2004 Tiburon which he, and the previous owner, unfortunately haven't cared for very well. It's got body damage from an accident which hasn't been professionally fixed, and there's some strange vibration happening all the time, and it seems like more than just the shock absorbers going but we're not 100% positive.

So, a new car would be fantastic. And we both have the same taste in cars, so that's not an issue. But what I keep reminding my dearest is that his car in it's current state is worth about $5000, yet he owes about $12,000 on it. Trading it in for a new car just isn't feasible with our current budget. My car is also worth about $5000 and I don't have any repayments on it, but I've never financed a car in my entire life. I'm the kind of person who will save up my pennies for something and then buy it outright. My propencity to do this though has resulted in the fact that I have no credit. I've never wanted a credit card, or a loan, so I don't have bad credit, just no credit.

And I hate to say it but, DH has bad credit, he's sunk himself in deep over the last few years it seems. So between us, to replace one of our cars with a new car, we'd also have to put down a hefty deposit and would be on excessive repayments. My darling and I have discussed this over and over again.

But alas today he calls me from a car dealership wanting my permission for them to run my credit because he had found a new car that he wanted.

Of course, my credit wasn't going to help because like I said, I have none. So it wasn't approved anyhow.

I've told DH that if he can figure into our budget to afford a new car and additional insurance, go for it, but it can't eat into rent, utilities, or groceries. I find it difficult to say No, No New Car! And after all, it's his money, he's the one working, he can do what he wants with it as long as the essentials still get paid.

And here I am looking to the bottom line of finances again. Why is it all of a sudden such a big deal? When we were dating, I don't think money was ever even discussed, let alone a budget. I think all of a sudden it's dawned on me that I'm going to be a dependent for a while, and in my usual overly-organized financial mindframe it's resulted in me being a bit of a nagging old biddy.

Gosh I can't wait to move into our new house and properly start our life together. I'll be a lot less stressed for sure!

Anyhow I'll quit my whining. I'm out! :)

P.F. Changs Mongolian Beef Recipe

Courtesy of RecipeAzaar:

INGREDIENTS:
2 teaspoons vegetable oil
1/2 teaspoon ginger, minced
1 tablespoon garlic, chopped
1/2 cup soy sauce
1/2 cup water
3/4 cup dark brown sugar
vegetable oil, for frying (about 1 cup)
1 lb flank steak
1/4 cup cornstarch
2 large green onion

DIRECTIONS:
-Make the sauce by heating 2 tsp of vegetable oil in a medium saucepan over med/low heat.
-Don't get the oil too hot.
-Add ginger and garlic to the pan and quickly add the soy sauce and water before the garlic scorches.
-Dissolve the brown sugar in the sauce, then raise the heat to about medium and boil the sauce for 2-3 minutes or until the sauce thickens.
-Remove it from the heat.
-Slice the flank steak against the grain into 1/4" thick bite-size slices.
-Tilt the blade of your knife at about a forty five degree angle to the top of the steak so that you get wider cuts.
-Dip the steak pieces into the cornstarch to apply a very thin dusting to both sides of each piece of beef.
-Let the beef sit for about 10 minutes so that the cornstarch sticks.
-As the beef sits, heat up one cup of oil in a wok (you may also use a skillet for this step as long as the beef will be mostly covered with oil).
-Heat the oil over medium heat until it's nice and hot, but not smoking.
-Add the beef to the oil and sauté for just two minutes, or until the beef just begins to darken on the edges.
-You don't need a thorough cooking here since the beef is going to go back on the heat later.
-Stir the meat around a little so that it cooks evenly.
-After a couple minutes, use a large slotted spoon to take the meat out and onto paper towels, then pour the oil out of the wok or skillet.
-Put the pan back over the heat, dump the meat back into it and simmer for one minute.
-Add the sauce, cook for one minute while stirring, then add all the green onions.
-Cook for one more minute, then remove the beef and onions with tongs or a slotted spoon to a serving plate.
-Leave the excess sauce behind in the pan.

Better Stick Around

Haha cute. DH just called me asking how to get to our new townhouse from the base (he's showing a couple of his friends who are also considering moving with their wives to the same area). Anyhow the subdivision we live in has an old part from the 80s and a new part from the 90s- and even though they both have the same street name running through them, despite what Yahoo maps says, they haven't yet built a connecting road over the creek between the old part and the new part. So DH calls all confused because he keeps getting to a dead-end. I explained that the old part and the new part aren't yet connected, that he's going to have to go down Piney Green Rd and then turn off into the subdivision. Then he called back asking how to get there again from Piney Green Rd. Haha oh geeze. Even I remember that much! Haha ah, DH is precious when he's confused.

I just wonder how long they'd been driving around and hitting that dead end before he thought to call me?

You Don't Know Me But You Make Me So Happy

I'm currently listening to Jenny-8675309 by Tommy Tutone. I still remember the very first time I heard this song, it was in Honolulu in April 2006. No idea why it had slipped my notice completely for the last 2 decades before then. Maybe it was never a hit in Australia, and never given any airtime on the 'Classic Rock/Pop' stations.

Anyhow moving on. One thing that still astonishes me about my Australian hometown, Brisbane, is the 3 degrees of separation that I always knew and that seemingly still exists. For a city with over 1 million people, it was always known as Australia's Oversized Country Town due to it's bizarre ability to somehow still be one large social circle.

Honestly, I couldn't go anywhere, or do anything in Brisbane, without someone knowing me, or me knowing someone. It was the most strange phenomenon. Maybe everybody just had really good memories for faces and people. But everybody just seemed to be somehow linked. I'm not the only one who found this, it almost became a running joke between myself and my friends.

What made me think of it today, was the fact that I found a friend named Mitch, who I went to college back in 2001 with on Facebook and added him. Anyhow, I was reading through his profile, and flipping through his photos, and in a couple of photos- there's my friend Melli's sister, Cathryn. I sat and contemplated for a moment. Did Melli & Cath know Mitch? Not when I knew Mitch. And not when I knew Melli & Cathryn. And I started flipping through a few more photos, recognizing even more faces. But not faces from College. People I knew after college, from different social circles. But evidently the circles have collided and are one happy family as often times happens.

In retrospect, the phenomenon was both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing in that you never really had to make new friends anywhere you went, because chances were, after a few lines of conversation you knew people in common, and this automatically either made you friends or enemies. It was a curse, predominantly because you could never escape your past, no matter how hard you tried. I'd get random people asking me "Hey weren't you that girl who...?" "Hey, oh my gosh, Amber? Oh wow remember me? I remember you- I remember when you..." "OH no... Amber? Wow- you did such and such in such and such... right?" When you were somebody who got up to as much mischief in their adolescent years as I did, constant reminders constantly following you is never a good thing.

Maybe it's the Geographic make-up of Brisbane that makes it's people behave in such a way. For instance, here in Missouri, I live in a town approximately 25-30 miles out of downtown St. Louis. Even though I commuted to St. Louis every day when I was working, in discussion with a lot of people in my town, it seemed many didn't ever leave my town, or travel far, if they didn't have to. In all honesty, now that I'm not working, I don't leave my town much either come to think of it. But of course if every town in the county has the same attitude to a certain degree, it's possibly the reason I never observed the same phenomenon in this city.

In Brisbane however, to do almost anything, you had to go downtown. The outlying suburbs failed in being entirely self-sufficient and were for residence only. Consequently everybody divulged on the center of the city, the downtown/financial area every day, creating traffic chaos about 10 times worse than I've ever seen in America (I lived about 7 miles from downtown for most of my life, it took me over an hour by car to travel the 8 miles to my workplace during peak hour). Anyhow, everything happened in 'The City' (in America you go 'Downtown' in Australia you go to 'The City'), it's where you worked, it's where you socialized, it's where you went to Concerts (well until Festival Hall closed its doors), it's where you went to the Cinema, it's where you went Shopping. And somehow this made a city of 1 million + people, seem a lot smaller.

I know that a lot of American's commute to their 'downtown' for work, but they don't seem to stay downtown for everything else as well. Just an observation, speaking from a St. Louis perspective anyhow. It's possibly different in other cities.

Of course, now I'm getting set to move to a city of approximately 65,000 people. And it was one of those entropic chain of events which have landed me there as well. A friend asked me last night how my husband and I met. And in all honesty the story is so far fetched and still so bizarre to me that I just fall into the habit of saying "We met through a mutual friend" which is the truth, but it actually goes much further than that.

First of all, it must be understood that even before I moved to the United States, I had spent a lot of time over here, predominantly for one person in my life, who without, I probably wouldn't be quite who I am today.

Rewind to April, 2006, Jacksonville, North Carolina. I'd been traveling the East Coast for a while, and my ex-fiancee who we'll call W asked if I was going to be visiting him in Camp Lejeune. We'd broken up shortly after he came back from Iraq the previous year. His choice. Not mine. He still owned my heart, and when he said jump, I jumped. So I caught a flight from Boston-Logan Airport to Raleigh-Durham, picked up a rental car and drove to Jacksonville.

After a few days it was still far too painful, when we were together everything was good again, but it wasn't to last, he wanted me in his life, but not the way I wanted to be in it. So after breaking down in tears in an Arby's parking lot. (Not my proudest moment) I got in my rental car and drove back to Raleigh.

I remember staring at the departing flights wondering where looked good. I decided that Phoenix, Arizona sounded fun, and just like that, got me a flight to Phoenix. After a few days in Phoenix I was bored again and decided to move west again. I was leaning toward San Francisco but decided I hadn't been to Sacramento, so that was a good idea.

Then after a horrible course of events in Sacramento which I don't want to discuss, I found myself frazzled and at the airport again, determined to get even further away, emotionally and physically. Honolulu it was... and while on the beach in Waikiki that evening, I met a US Marine named Ryan who to this day I'm extremely good friends with. Anyhow, he was based at K-Bay but had just been moved from Okinawa in Japan. I'd heard of Okinawa. And Ryan had nothing but good things to say about Japan.

I had 2 weeks left of vacation time from work (I'd taken 6 weeks) and decided that Japan might cheer me up, I hadn't been to Japan in years. So the next morning, back at Honolulu International Airport, and managed to get me a flight to Tokyo-Narita. (For the record, this isn't all as expensive as it sounds, if there are available seats on the flight, and it's the last minute, and you don't have a reservation, you can usually negotiate the prices down tremendously at the airport ticket counter in person). After some time in Tokyo I thought I'd go and check out this Okinawa place. I needed an island paradise after all.

And it was even more than I thought it would be. Rocky Shores, Palm Trees, The Bluest Ocean I've ever seen in my life. It was the most gorgeous place I'd ever ended up and I was in love with it. I was still communicating with W via phone every now and again, and he was of course highly disapproving that I'd ended up in Okinawa. What in the world was I doing there, of all places?

Long story short, in a parking lot of a convenience store, I met a Marine from Louisiana named Eric. In fact, in the time I was there I met a lot of wonderful guys who I'm still friends with to this day. Eric and I though especially became good friends and kept in contact after I decided to go back to Honolulu, and then back to Australia.

Back in Australia I realized how utterly bored I was with my job, with the people, with my life. So I applied for jobs overseas, in Japan, in the UK, and in the USA. Astonishingly enough, I got every job I applied for, and it became a question of where did I want to move to most of all? The options most appealing were Japan and the US. After a bit of deliberation, I decided to go for the US as the job seemed more interesting (I was going to be teaching English in Japan, working in a hotel in America). So in September of 2006 I made the move to St. Louis.

W and I had remained friends, and he was now out of the Marine Corps and living in Florida. I visited him a couple of times. Eric part way through 2007 had been relocated to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina from Okinawa, and I promised to visit him.

In December 2007, I'd just got back from a month in Europe and W had asked me to come visit him. Things hadn't been going well for him. He was suffering from major Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to his experiences in Iraq and Afghanistan. He'd been institutionalized while I was in Europe as he'd been considered a threat to himself and others due to his erratic behaviour and homicidal tendencies. Of course my heart went out to him and I visited. But as usual, any chance of a reconcile of our relationship was an absolutely lost cause on my behalf.

It was that weekend that I finally accepted, 2 years from the time we'd originally broken up, that it really was over. For the first time, I actually felt I could move on. Strangely enough, W has not been in a relationship with anyone since we broke up. Like he's told me, he needs to get his own life straight first. And although I vowed always to be there for him if he needed me, all romantic notions of everything all coming up ribbons and roses, finally disappeared.

I was standing on my balcony enjoying the Florida sunshine and 85 degree heat in December (compared to the freezing temperatures I'd left in Missouri) when Eric called me to ask if I was back from Europe yet. I said I was, and said I was down in Florida. We agreed that it had been too long since we'd hung out and that at my next available opportunity, I'd have to visit in North Carolina.

Eric had kind of become like a brother to me. You know how it is when you just click with some people? Consequently we had always offered eachother advice on the opposite sex and dating advice and this and that and the other. It was a purely platonic friendship, yet remains to be a lovely one.

On the airplane back to St. Louis on Monday I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders, given that I'd finally let go of something, someone that through no fault of his own, had always somehow been holding me back from being happy with anybody else.

A couple of weeks later I was all set to go to Jacksonville, North Carolina. Eric, his friends and I had planned to then travel to Myrtle Beach, SC for the weekend. The night before my flight left though, Eric called me, there was an unfortunate tragedy in his family and the Marine Corps had given him special permission to return to Louisiana that weekend. I gave him my deepest sympathy and my heart truly went out to him. Then he told me that all of his friends had heard about me crazy Australian girl he met in Japan and would be disappointed if I didn't come down. He told me to still go to Jacksonville, that his friends would look after me. I was honestly tempted to just cancel my flight and pray for Eric's family and reschedule to when Eric was back in town, but something told me to just go down to North Carolina, if worst came to worst, I still knew some of W's friends who were still in Jacksonville so I wouldn't be entirely abandoned.

That first Friday that I arrived in Jacksonville, I met Chris, one of Eric's friends, who obviously is now my husband. I'm not even positive when we decided for sure to get married. But I found myself back in North Carolina, whether flying or driving, almost every week from there on in. One weekend I even took my best friend, Katrina, another Australian girl living in St. Louis to meet him and get her opinion. Everything was met with approval. Chris and I were different, came from very different backgrounds, but somehow our personalities complimented eachothers, and our outlook on life, our aims and goals and dreams for the future were the same. And all of a sudden, everything made sense.

I had always questioned God's motives, and why he felt fit to take W away from me, I never understood why. But from that first weekend back in North Carolina, it suddenly made sense. I strongly believe that Chris and I's relationship was in God's plan for me all along. I had a lot of growing up to do in the last 2 years, I had a lot of living to do in the last 2 years, I had a lot of people to meet, I had to truly come to know and understand myself. Then as if by magic, the love of my life just fell into my existance.

And although I sometimes complain, although I sometimes get scared, I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. This was all part of the greater plan, after all.

So, there you have it, the story that starts and ends in Jacksonville, North Carolina. It's almost so far fetched I sometimes don't believe it myself. But if it wasn't for W making me cry in that Arby's parking lot, I never would have kept drifting west, and if it wasn't for the people I met along the way, I would never have ended up in Japan, and if I hadn't ever met Eric in Japan, I would never have met my husband. The full circle is now complete. And I've found acceptance and contentment. Finally.

Did It Again

... DH has increased some of his payments on his credit cards/ car/ personal loan. Always the economicly-minded one in the relationship, I reminded him that his car insurance has gone up within the last couple of months because of some issues. He'd overlooked his insurance completely.

And of course I asked him to tell me what he'd increased everything to, factoring in things that he'd forgot to think about (ie: water, trash/sewer, electric) in the budget- and honestly, we're going to be either overdrawn at the end of the month providing we don't spend any money on entertainment, or alternatively cutting it very fine if I'm able to save considerable money in the grocery department and use a minimum of electricity.

*sigh*. He knows that me working at this stage is not an option. My US Visa was based on my employment. I resigned from my job so that Chris and I could get married and I could move to North Carolina to be with him. So currently we're in the process of getting my Visa status changed but this can take months, and I'm not permitted to work in the meantime.

Thankfully I've got a bit of money saved up, so I can help out for a little while, but we're really going to have to see if we can get all those payments reduced again. He said he had no choice because he was behind on a lot of bills. When I get down there I'll see what I can do I guess.

I love my boy like crazy, and don't mean to be a nagging old biddy about money already, gosh we've only been married a couple of weeks! But he's always admitted that I'm the more practical one when it comes to finances.

I just wish I was allowed to work again as well, because having 2 incomes coming in would take a huge deal of financial stress off the relationship. I know I said I was happy about not working, and I was really excited about being a housewife for a while and just looking after my boy, but I don't like arguments, especially about money. Not that we really argued. But it was obvious that we were both upset when I broke it all down and pretty much told him we couldn't manage it.

I also wish I could just kick back and enjoy life without looking at the bottom dollar all the time. I used to be pretty good at this. I'm not sure when I got so financially responsible.

At least it seems like Chris may be coming on 05/07 on leave now, so that's a blessing.

Gosh I need to stop stressing and panicking over this asap! :(

Don't You Want Me Baby?

This weekend must be national Amber-Is-Popular weekend or something. 5 of my friends from North Carolina including 1 ex boyfriend either text or called asking where I am, if I've moved to North Carolina yet, do I want to hang out this weekend. Missouri, No and No. A friend from Kentucky, and a friend's wife from Indiana also called asking what's happening. I really do need to catch up with my friend in Indiana and his wife sometime in the near future- I haven't seen them in about a year and a half when they were still on the East Coast.

Honestly though, isn't that always the way with people, when it rains, it pours? I can go weeks only being in contact with DH and a select couple of friends, then all of a sudden everybody seems to think of me at once. Strange.

I was thinking this evening though, one thing I like about being married, and about my husband in particular, is the fact that he seemingly takes me into consideration. He text me today saying he'd found me a 'work out buddy' (as ya'll know I'm trying to lose weight & get in shape!). Apparently one of his friends wives recently had a baby and is trying to get her pre-baby figure back. He said I'd be happy to go to the gym or go jogging with her or whatever. Definitely sounds good to me. When I do things on my own I find that I get de-motivated really quickly. Also, it'll be a good chance to get to know some other wives in Jacksonville. I have met a couple of his friends wives/fiancees, but haven't really had a chance to get to know them.

Basically everyone I know in that area of North Carolina is a Marine and male. I need to mix it up a bit. Seriously.

Anyhow today I went to Walmart and bought some carpet stain remover to try and get some crap off my carpet before I have my move-out inspection. Also some other random stuff I figured I'd need to assist with the move.

It's unbelievable, when I moved to the United States in 2006, I came with 2 suitcases and a regular sized backpack. Now I've got an entire 750 square foot apartment seemingly filled with junk. Even though I rarely seem to buy anything?

Strange. It'll probably not seem like as much once I start packing it all up again though... at least I hope it won't! *sigh* such a big job. Damn I'm too good at procrastination!

Moonlight Drive

I'm listening to The Doors to try and calm myself down. Chris put in another leave request for March 3. Now it doesn't look like he'll be able to come until March 9. If this is the case, this will be the fourth time his leave has been pushed back.

I text DH back and told him "Ok Honey, just let me know when you know for sure and I'll get your flight rescheduled". It's easier for me to organize his flight etc, because apart from working all day, he's never got around to getting a laptop (go figure!) and he has to go down to the Internet Cafe by his barracks if he wants to get online. It's too much unnecessary hassle for him.

Therefore, I'm letting the sounds of Jim Morrison's voice soothe me as it always has done. To be perfectly honest, I can't ever remember a time when I didn't like The Doors. When the other kids were jumping around to Madonna, I was listening to hand-me-down Doors Vinyl's on a hand-me-down 50s-60s stereo/record player. I've always thought that I was born into the wrong generation.

Anyways I guess I'd better cook myself some dinner, try to keep my mind off how long it's been since I've seen Chris, and then later tonight head down to the Walmart Supercenter to buy some more cleaning products because I really need to start deep cleaning my apartment sometime in the very near future.

Hmm. Sounds like an interesting night. Not!

Blast From The Past

I was going through some old photos I had. And here we go, me about 3 years ago! I was 21, a crazy retro baby... but what was up with the bangs? Oh well I thought I looked so damn adorable at the time.



Now I wonder what ever happened to those cats eyes!?

xxxA

Alright, Wild Child

Based on the past decade or so of my life, people expect me to still be the same. But I'm so much more content now. At the same time, something inside me still wants to cater to my 'old' friends expectations of me.

Out of the blue the other day, a girl I used to work with 2+ years ago found me on Facebook, and after adding her it started a chain reaction of people from the past finding me through her Facebook and also requesting to add me as a friend, and emailing. And it's blaringly obvious that they don't expect me to have changed a bit.

I've had a lot of fun in my life, but most of my behavior has always been a front for the inner turmoil I've experienced most of my existance. Although not being officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder until the beginning of this year, I know that I've been struggling with it for many, many years. To cover up my problems, in public I was always a riot, a fast talking, hard drinking, chain smoking, outgoing center of attention.

One thing I was always responsible with was money, but then I'd blow all my savings on traveling the world and getting up to all kinds of mischief that more than anything would make an excellent screenplay that may even make the most seasoned of Hollywood veterens doubtful to it's credibility. I have sinned in almost every way possible. But I'm not proud of it.

Somewhere amongst all of the parties that lasted for days, the men, the substance abuse... I was still a self confessed history geek. Somehow I still managed to stick my nose in a book at every available opportunity, and not lose sight of the fact that despite my behavior, this wasn't really me. There was always a scared little girl inside simply seeking the approval of others.

In the process though, I pushed away a lot of people who cared about me, and had a lot of passengers in my life. People who were along for the ride, but not the journey.

The transition away from the life I was leading was a gradual one, but it took a few events in which I truly hit rock bottom, to make me realize that I needed to change. I'd only succeed in destroying myself otherwise.

But it dismays me that so many people were attracted to, and liked, who I was. Even the guy I met my husband through, who's known me 2+ years, still seems to expect me to be the outgoing, extroverted, but shallow and stupid Australian girl who will drink everyone under the table and behave like the world is going to end any minute.

It also makes me wonder about the conversations he and my husband have had about me. DH asked me recently "So where's this wild side I keep hearing about? I've never seen it." No. He's never seen it. It was over and done with and locked away by the time I met him. But seemingly he's still heard the stories. Funny thing is, I wonder if he too would have preferred the wild child facade. But would he still have fallen in love with me, then?

There was a lot of lust associated on behalf of men, with who I used to be. But nobody could ever truly love the twisted creature that I was. I was so out of touch with myself, and with reality. I've still got the scars from it all though, the emotional and the physical.

I can see why my DH is intrigued by the girl he's heard about. But it seems so far removed from everything I stand for now, who I am, and who I want to be, who I need to be.

I pray for strength. I pray for sanity.

But I wonder if it was really all completely a facade, or whether somewhere, deep down, the evil rebellious spirit is still inside me, and will want to escape some day? It scares me that I might go back to my old ways someday. That I might just snap.

Deus, dona mihi firmitatem. (God Give Me Strength)