Useless Desires

All I've ever wanted is for my mother to be proud of me someday. But the criticism always ends up rearing it's ugly head again. After I got off the phone to her yesterday I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, feeling sick, trying desperately to fight off tears. I can't cry. I won't cry. I rarely ever cry. But it was so hard not to.

I've tried to tell my mother how much she hurts me. But she won't hear of it. In fact, yesterday I said in plain English that how she treats me, how my Grandmother treats me, their attitude towards me and expectations of me, kill me inside. I know she just wants the best for me, she has always just wanted me to make her proud. But I never quite made it.

Now it's come to light that my Husband isn't good enough. He doesn't earn enough money. He isn't good looking enough. And why didn't I stay with Jeremy? Jeremy was good looking and older and earned more money. Mother, Jeremy was MARRIED. It was a situation I was best rid of.

And then I made the mistake of mentioning something from the bible. Which only got me yelled at, expletives thrown, and then put my mother on the topic of the fact that I should really be seeking 'enlightenment down a Buddhist path'. I thought Buddhists (like she claims to be) were meant to be understanding, accepting, and non critical of other religions. Christianity is just another thing she can't accept, won't accept, scoffs at, and another thing to criticize me for.

How can you believe that ****? It's all bull****! Of course, with my mother I have learned that I just have to hear her out. Let her talk. Let her say what she has to say. Any interjection or disagreement and I'll never hear the end of it.

From the other side of the world, she can still make me feel like a worthless, useless child again. No matter how strong I try to be, it still hurts. In her world, there's no such thing as love, no such thing as happiness, just cruel reality. That's what I was brought up beleiving. Through her eyes, how could I be happy in mediocre jobs, married to somebody who barely earns above a reasonable living wage, living in a small 2 bedroom townhouse in a nondescript city in a 'nothing state' as she calls North Carolina, how could I possibly be happy?

And again, I meet the fact that she'll be visiting in July with great trepidation. The last time I saw my mother, in October last year in Europe, within 24 hours my depression hit me in ugly, horrible ways as my thoughts drifted to ending my existance. I was too fat, what was wrong with my hair, what was wrong with my skin, that top is too baggy those jeans are too loose, your apartment is too small, your car is a bomb.

Nothing I do is ever right, not in the long run. I know that I'll make myself sick with worry when she comes to visit.

Thing is, sometimes things between my Mum are just fine- especially when we go for long periods of time without talking to eachother. But if we talk too often, any more than once a week, it turns into a judgemental mess.

I just want her love and respect. It's all I've ever wanted. As I got older though it got even more difficult, maybe that's why I became as trouble making and attention seeking as I did. But I can't blame my faults on anybody but myself. I take responsibility for my own actions, and any mistakes I may have made in this life.

*sigh* Off that topic now.

On the bright side, I got the opportunity to speak with 2 good friends who I've known for many, many years, who are currently both in Iraq right now.

friend: your just Amber... your no more screwed up then the rest of the world :)

For some reason, that made me laugh and definitely made me smile. When I commented on the fact that I was just rambling, and screwed up.

Honestly though, I'm glad Jeff & Paul were both amazingly online today. I hadn't spoken to either of them for so long. And they both had the ability to cheer me up and make me feel like a worthwhile human being again. Additionally, knowing that they were both okay after so long without hearing from either was comforting as well.

Anyways I might call my husband and see what he's up to. I didn't get to talk to him last night other than via text message because he was out playing pool or something.

Hope you're all having good weekends!

xA