All I Ever Wanted

I'm a failure at this.

I'm positively horrible at this.

I'm miserable.

My husband is even more miserable.

This is not how it was meant to be.

I honestly can't do anything right it seems. No matter how hard I try. And for an over acheiver like myself, it hurts a hell of a lot. I'm trying, I really am. But for some reason the puzzle pieces just aren't falling into place.

I know he's stressed about his work, and his upcoming deployment, and the situation with his ex-girlfriend.

I know I'm stressed about all of the legal work required to allow me to stay in the country.

Additionally we're both stressed about our financial situation which seems to be getting worse by the day. It just seems like it's been one thing after another. And I don't seem to be able to make things right. I don't want to harp on about the things he spends his money on. He's the one receiving the income right now, so I don't feel I have a right to say anything.

But now we can't even pay next months rent without taking out a loan. We've only been at our house 2 weeks (I paid the deposit + first 2 weeks rent, next is due June 01). And even though Chris just got paid the other day, with all of the allotments that have come out, in addition to his spending, we're already on the verge of being overdrawn.

As for my savings, I'm skint. I paid $300 deposit to get the electric on, $270 deposit for the water company, $750 deposit on the house plus $425 for the first two weeks, in addition to over $1000 for the Uhaul from Missouri, plus the groceries and any extra items we've needed for the house. I'm scared to even check my bank balance because I know it will near be non existant.

I don't want money and finances to rule our lives. But at the moment it is. Somehow the stress of it's non entity seems to be frustrating us both beyond belief.

I'm not blaming DH for our situation right now, I should have budgetted my own money more effectively so that I could contribute more, however money does seem to just slip through his fingers. He's a very spontaneous person, and I've always liked that about him... but it seems he's a very spontaneous shopper as well.

To make things worse, he's beyond aggrevated at me right now. Most likely with good reason. I've been acting selfish lately it seems.

He left the house just after 8am this morning, it's now almost 2:30pm and he's not answering his phone and I'm worried about him. Best case scenario, he's out having fun and misplaced his phone. But possible situations are running through my mind at the moment which I'd rather not even mention. Mind you, I probably deserve this.

I got really upset over dinner the other night. About everything. To the point where I completely lost my appetite (highly unusual for me!) and felt like I was about to burst into tears. I told him I was going to put gas in my car... well, I filled up my Buick with gas then decided to go to the beach to just chill for a while to clear my head.

I called my Mum and spoke to her about the situation, and she told me to go home and talk to Chris about it. Thing was, because of the detour (road closure) from Topsail Beach, I got a bit confused and coming home took longer than anticipated. Consequently I didn't get home til about midnight. Obviously my husband was less than pleased to put it mildly.

I know what I did was wrong, I should have called him or something, but I didn't have the words, I didn't quite know what to say to him. I was still hurting far too much inside.

I still am.

Maybe I'm looking at this the entirely wrong way. I'm not sure. It's killing me knowing he's not happy. But everything I do to try and ammend things just seems to make things worse.

I know I'm a screwed up individual. And that's an understatement. I know that I'm needy of affection, attention, and just overall approval, mainly because I lacked all of the above growing up. Consequently I know it gets on peoples nerves sometimes, despite the fact that I'm aware of it and try my hardest to put other peoples needs before my own.

But I honestly am trying. I want to be a good wife.

But all I've become his a huge pain in the @$$.

That's The Marine Corps For Ya

Well, Chris had to go back to work 3 days early. His SSgt called the house yesterday. I'm wishing I'd never answered the phone. *sigh* So consequently last night was a mad rush to go down to the laundromat and get his uniforms cleaned (our washer & dryer is yet to be delivered) and get everything sorted for today.

He was really not in a good mood this morning. Neither am I to tell you the honest truth. There's still so much more to do, now it's going to be down to me for the next few days. Thankfully he still has the weekend off- (he should technically have been getting a 96 since it's memorial day weekend but gosh knows what's happening anymore). We're going up to Kentucky for one of his friend's weddings.

At least we got the stuff sorted out at the bank yesterday. But honestly, it's just one thing after another with us. We both have issues with our car registrations at the moment (long long long story), I need to start studying to get my drivers licence changed over to North Carolina (being an Australian, and never having gotten a US Drivers licence before- I have to retake the written and practical tests... prac is fine, written is the one I'm concerned about).

And to top it all off- everything is working out to be much more expensive in this state than either of us anticipated. I swear the Tarheel state nickel and dimes you on everything. And makes nothing easy!

We miss the midwest!!! :(

Sorry For The Hiatus!

Well, here I am in my house in North Carolina at last! My apologies for the Hiatus- as you can imagine I've been super busy with moving, etc. DH has been absolutely wonderful about everything. I know how much of a pain it had to have been to help me pack all of my stuff up out of my apartment (even though after we got rid of some stuff to Goodwill, my entire life barely half filled a regular size U-Haul!).

We then went to Indianapolis for a couple of days to see his family- his mother is such a sweetheart, she had bought me a new black handbag, and apparently I'm the only girl Chris has ever brought home that she actually likes. (Okay considering I'm his wife that's a good thing! If you hadn't been following previously- I didn't actually meet his folks until the night after we got married!). Anyhow I head down here Thursday night in my car because I needed to pick up the keys Friday morning, and had an appointment for the phone/cable/internet connection. I also had to organize for the electricity, trash collection and water to be switched over into our names.

DH left Indy after lunch on Friday and got down in the early hours of Saturday morning. So our first night together in the house was spent sleeping on the floor because we were both too tired to unload the Uhaul! Yesterday was mainly spent unloading the Uhaul- and the house currently looks like the Wreck of the Hespares because we kinda just dumped it all in here til we get all our stuff sorted out. Apart from our beds (we're using his from Indianapolis in the master bedroom, and mine from St. Louis as the spare bed in the spare room), and my desk and bookshelf, we don't really have any big stuff but we seem to both have a lot of boxes of little useless stuff. We'll get it sorted though. Eventually! At least we've got one of the beds set up so we could actually have a good night's rest last night!

Anyhow at the moment DH is getting his oil changed in his car. And I thought I'd get online quickly to tell ya'll what was happening! I need to get dressed here soon though, when DH gets back he is picking up a sofa & a loveseat that his friend is kindly donating to us, and I need to get down to Walmart to buy a microwave (the one I had in St. Louis came with the apartment) and some other random stuff that we need. DH & I also need to get to Sears sometime within the next few days to invest in a washer & dryer!

All in all though, things are going very very smoothly- here are a few pics of the inside of our house (and the view from the windows) before we unloaded everything from the Uhaul! I'll take some more once we have everything organized inside :)

Today!!!

I finally get to see DH after over 3 weeks... TODAY!!! :) :) :)

Recipe Plan 05/19-06/01

Yeah, now this is really jumping the gun but I've got time on my hands and I'm procrastinating cleaning out my closet so I've decided to plan my menu for my husband and I, for our first 2 weeks in our new house in NC. Even though we're moving in on 05/15, I honestly have the feeling that we'll be getting take out for a few days while we're unpacking and getting settled in. So I'm post dating the menu planning a bit :) Anyway, here goes! (Oh and for the record, my DH enjoys cooking and wants to cook on weekends!)

Monday 05/19: Asian Chicken & Noodle Stir Fry
Tuesday 05/20: Oven Fried Chicken, Steakhouse Fries & Green Beans
Wednesday 05/21: Teriyaki Beef Skewers & Rice
Thursday 05/22: Aussie Sausage Rolls, Mashed Potatoes & Gravy
Friday 05/23: Eating Out Somewhere :)
Saturday 05/24: DH is cooking
Sunday 05/25: DH is cooking
Monday 05/26: Tapas- Patatas Bravas, Pa Amb Oli, Ajilo Mushrooms, Express Paella
Tuesday 05/27: Spaghetti & Meatballs with Garlic Bread
Wednesday 05/28: BBQ Beef Burgers with Salad & Fries
Thursday 05/29: Toasted Ravioli and Salad
Friday 05/30: Eating Out somewhere :)
Saturday 05/31: DH is cooking
Sunday 06/01: Dh is cooking

Anyway, I think that works for now :) Can you tell I have the propensity to pre-plan everything a little too much?

Tears Dry On Their Own

Well, I feel much better than I did the other day. Blogging and getting all my frustrations and concerns out there, always seem to help matters. Then I had a new issue to contend with, although I've decided today that it's basically a non-issue and I'm just going to make the best of it.

One of DH's friends is probably going to be moving in with us for a few months, until he gets discharged from the Marine Corps. He is a nice guy, and even though it was an initial shock, I trust DH's judgement on the situation. Although my initial thoughts were pertaining to the fact that this guy isn't going to be paying board, and the financial factor, plus the extra housework it might present me. But I'm sure that everything will work itself out somehow.

A few months ago, not long before I got married, I came across Prairie Home Maker Forums and they seriously have been a God-Send. The ladies there are absolutely phenomenal, and always offer support and suggestions and ease any concerns I may have. Naturally I asked about the situation pertaining to DH's friend moving in, and the main consensus is that ground rules should be set with regards to his responsibilities and my responsibilities.

So I've decided to cross that bridge when I come to it. I mean, it hasn't happened yet. Within the next few weeks, M might decide that he doesn't want to move in after all, right?

Anyways, I need to pack up my closet today so I'd better get started. Have a good one all!

xAmber

Useless Desires

All I've ever wanted is for my mother to be proud of me someday. But the criticism always ends up rearing it's ugly head again. After I got off the phone to her yesterday I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, feeling sick, trying desperately to fight off tears. I can't cry. I won't cry. I rarely ever cry. But it was so hard not to.

I've tried to tell my mother how much she hurts me. But she won't hear of it. In fact, yesterday I said in plain English that how she treats me, how my Grandmother treats me, their attitude towards me and expectations of me, kill me inside. I know she just wants the best for me, she has always just wanted me to make her proud. But I never quite made it.

Now it's come to light that my Husband isn't good enough. He doesn't earn enough money. He isn't good looking enough. And why didn't I stay with Jeremy? Jeremy was good looking and older and earned more money. Mother, Jeremy was MARRIED. It was a situation I was best rid of.

And then I made the mistake of mentioning something from the bible. Which only got me yelled at, expletives thrown, and then put my mother on the topic of the fact that I should really be seeking 'enlightenment down a Buddhist path'. I thought Buddhists (like she claims to be) were meant to be understanding, accepting, and non critical of other religions. Christianity is just another thing she can't accept, won't accept, scoffs at, and another thing to criticize me for.

How can you believe that ****? It's all bull****! Of course, with my mother I have learned that I just have to hear her out. Let her talk. Let her say what she has to say. Any interjection or disagreement and I'll never hear the end of it.

From the other side of the world, she can still make me feel like a worthless, useless child again. No matter how strong I try to be, it still hurts. In her world, there's no such thing as love, no such thing as happiness, just cruel reality. That's what I was brought up beleiving. Through her eyes, how could I be happy in mediocre jobs, married to somebody who barely earns above a reasonable living wage, living in a small 2 bedroom townhouse in a nondescript city in a 'nothing state' as she calls North Carolina, how could I possibly be happy?

And again, I meet the fact that she'll be visiting in July with great trepidation. The last time I saw my mother, in October last year in Europe, within 24 hours my depression hit me in ugly, horrible ways as my thoughts drifted to ending my existance. I was too fat, what was wrong with my hair, what was wrong with my skin, that top is too baggy those jeans are too loose, your apartment is too small, your car is a bomb.

Nothing I do is ever right, not in the long run. I know that I'll make myself sick with worry when she comes to visit.

Thing is, sometimes things between my Mum are just fine- especially when we go for long periods of time without talking to eachother. But if we talk too often, any more than once a week, it turns into a judgemental mess.

I just want her love and respect. It's all I've ever wanted. As I got older though it got even more difficult, maybe that's why I became as trouble making and attention seeking as I did. But I can't blame my faults on anybody but myself. I take responsibility for my own actions, and any mistakes I may have made in this life.

*sigh* Off that topic now.

On the bright side, I got the opportunity to speak with 2 good friends who I've known for many, many years, who are currently both in Iraq right now.

friend: your just Amber... your no more screwed up then the rest of the world :)

For some reason, that made me laugh and definitely made me smile. When I commented on the fact that I was just rambling, and screwed up.

Honestly though, I'm glad Jeff & Paul were both amazingly online today. I hadn't spoken to either of them for so long. And they both had the ability to cheer me up and make me feel like a worthwhile human being again. Additionally, knowing that they were both okay after so long without hearing from either was comforting as well.

Anyways I might call my husband and see what he's up to. I didn't get to talk to him last night other than via text message because he was out playing pool or something.

Hope you're all having good weekends!

xA

Killing Time

DH & I were at a restaurant in Indianapolis a couple of days after we got married. There was a group of young girls at a table nearby. They were gossipping and giggling quite loudly so it was hard not to notice them. "Check that out! They can't be anymore than 15!" DH said to me. "Girls didn't dress like that when I was 15!" DH continued. I agreed, Girls didn't dress like that when I was 15 either. And I thought my teenage years were on the crazy side!

It must be noted, that DH is 21. Obviously as you all know, I'm 24. So, 15 really wasn't that long ago for either of us. Especially not DH.

An article in the Washington Post recently about the fact that the sexualization of girls is getting younger, and younger (think the Miley Cyrus scandal- the MySpace photos and the Vanity Fair photos) got me thinking about this table of scantily clad 15 year olds in tight mini skirts, barely-there tops, and high heels, too much makeup and too much peroxide.

Even at my craziest, you could never say that I dressed provocatively. In High School I went through phases, most predominantly I went through the whole tortured artist thing, and decided I was a mix of goth, punk and rockabilly. In retrospect, the look was more tragic and trashy than glamorously artistic, but it was never provocative. I always covered up.

What is up with these little girls nowadays though? Why do their parents let them leave the house looking like that? Why do their parents allow them to buy clothes like that? Yes, I know teenagers are difficult and rebellious. I was difficult and rebellious too. But what next? When did this become socially acceptable?

Of course I'm sure this problem isn't new. In fact, I know it isn't. If you remember the original Degrassi Junior High/Degrassi High series from the 1980s (not the new stupid spinoff on Nickelodeon), you may remember a character in the 1st season called 'Stephanie Kaye'. She changed her clothing and did her makeup at school, without her mother's knowledge. Of course this just meant that she eventually got a bad reputation, got into bad situations, and her mother sent her to a strict girls school instead (the reason cited for her departure before the 2nd season).

I know however, that it isn't necessarily the case. When I was working at the Front Desk of a hotel in downtown St. Louis, I saw more than my fair share of ridiculously scantily clad teenage females pass through. The hotel hosted regional finals for some Miss Teen something-or-other pageant, and even the clothes that a lot of the pageant girls wore when they weren't in competition I thought was less than appropriate social attire. In addition to that, high school proms were hosted, and various inter-state school functions, dance competitions, cheerleading competitions, so on and so on.

Working at the hotel, I met some truly wonderful, pleasant guests... and some truly awful ones (my only consolation after getting frequently yelled at for hours on end by disatisfied guests, was the fact that they probably have a horrible life and I just unfortunately have to bear the release of their frustrations upon the world). All in all though, I couldn't hack it. After 18 months I was happy to leave the hospitality industry for good. In such a short period of time, it seemed that people in the general public had degenerated even further.

It was getting more difficult to put on a smile and keep my mouth shut and remain pleasant, even after a guest had spat in my face (oh yes that happened a few times!), or gentlemen guests made sexual advances (that happened a lot of times), or when drunken naked teenagers vomit on you in the hallways (the joys of working night shift!).

And this is a 4 1/2 star hotel we're talking about here.

Where's our society headed? Is it going to hit rock bottom and improve? Or have we hit rock bottom already?

Stimulus Payment!

Well, I was all disgruntled because I was certain that I would not be getting the stimulus payment due to some clause about permanent residency (which although in the process of filing for, I don't have yet, still on the visa!). But, alas, it hit my account today!

Unfortunately DH's isn't going to hit until the 16th because of the last 2 digits of his social security number. The $600 I received has cheered me up though! It definitely helps a lot. Especially with my rent due on my current apartment, then our first months rent due on May 15 at DH & I's new house!

I'm thanking God in my prayers for that today, that's for sure :)

For What It's Worth

I seriously do complain too much. I was flipping through my Road Trip USA book today- a book that has served as my favorite travel companion for the past 5 years. And it occured to me, that I've really got so much to be thankful for in my life.

Going through the pages thinking, been there, been there, oh I remember that, oh yes been there too. It dawned on me that I truly am so lucky. Yes, I worked hard to get everything in my life, but I've been truly blessed with opportunities as well.

To come from a single-parent home, with a mother who although she tried, could never make ends meet when I was growing up, and had no help from anyone else either, to eventually being in a situation where I travel the world at every given opportunity, is quite a change. And one that I don't seem to give thanks for, or appreciate often enough.

I've always been hard headed, I always used to believe that everything I'd ever got in my life, I worked for. I was the one working from the age of 14 onwards. I was the one working 17-18 hour days without weekends. I was the one putting money away to travel. But, it wasn't just me, was it. God was on my side all along. He gave me the strength and the drive to work hard. And He put the opportunities in front of me, all I had to do was reach for them and strive for them.

So, my resolution for today and this weekend is to attempt to not complain as much as I have been. And to appreciate, and be thankful for the truly wonderful life I've been able to lead these past few years.

And every morning when I wake up to a Good Morning Beautiful text message from my husband, it never fails to put a smile on my face.

Life isn't so bad afterall.

Polyester Girl

My best guy-friend Ben, who I've known since I was 12 years old and is as close to a brother as I've ever known, went to a school in our hometown called ACGS (Anglican Church Grammar School, colloquially known as 'Churchie'). In 1998 I attended the 'Senior Formal' (aka Prom) with a friend of mine, and again in 2000.

In 2001-2002 I was in a relationship with another alumni from ACGS. So, Overall, I think that I'm more than qualified to share my knowledge of the school.

Honestly though, what the world is coming to has shocked me. Now, I think I'm a pretty tolerant person overall, but there are certain things in this world that I do not approve of. For instance, I think peoples sexual preferences should be left behind closed doors.

This article from my hometown's newspaper however shocked me. 8 Anglican Church Grammar School boys, wanted to take their homosexual partners to the Senior Formal! For goodness sake, back in 1998-2000, you were outcast if you didn't wear a black suit, I know for a fact, that 10 years ago, nobody would have even contemplated taking their gay partner to the formal. Let alone 8 of them!

Call me a traditionalist perhaps, maybe I'm not as open minded as I thought. Of course, their requests got over turned, but it's just proof that the world is changing in dramatic ways.

It's funny though, isn't it, I'm 24 and I'm already feeling old.