Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Something Stupid

I've decided to delete my prior posts- my vents over my husband's recent behavior. It occured to me last night that I really am truly lucky, truly blessed, to have him in my life. I still don't condone what he's put me through, but I couldn't imagine losing him either. I feel that my vents unleashed some rage that had been building up inside me, and I may have said unreasonable and scathing things about those involved.

Nobody in this world is perfect. We all make mistakes.

Goodness knows, I've made my fair share.

But marrying my husband wasn't one of them. While half watching TV/ half having a conversation with a friend last night, it dawned on me that I'm not ready for my marriage to be over. I'm willing to work through this, if my husband is.

Speaking of which- I still haven't heard from him. Tomorrow it will be 1 week since he left. I'm so scared for him, it's hard to put into words.

Anyhow ladies, I've still got some housework to do, the bathtub drain has been clogged the last few days (the shower water is draining out extremely slowly!) so I need to go shove some Draino in it and hope for the best!

Hope your week is treating you beautifully. Thank you again everyone for your kind words of support during this difficult time for me.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I Was Only Nineteen

If you're not familiar with it,

check out

The song originally came out in the 80s and was re-released a few years back in response to the war in Iraq, although the premise still centers around Vietnam.

It's probably one of the few songs out there that can really give me the chills =/

P.S. it's important to listen to the lyrics in this song. If you enjoy the above, the original video clip from the song's first release in 1983 (which contains actual footage from Vietnam) is here

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Red Door Give Away

Check this out!
Isn't this give away just gorgeous? Not long left to enter, though!


So, I finally managed to serve DH something for dinner that he actually complimented me on. To be truthful, he never really compliments food in general. But I was honestly starting to wonder if I could ever please him when it came to dinners.

I know that there really isn't anything wrong with my cooking, because other people love my cooking. DH however is eternally unimpressed.

However, Kung Pao Chicken- (thanks to a packet mix because I was being lazy) my husband said he liked. Wow. So anyhow despite the lack of effort required in packet mix Kung Pao Chicken I'm more than thrilled.

Anyhow I'm out of here. I swear all day all I've done is sleep, clean the kitchen, sleep, cook and clean the kitchen, and chill out on the couch and watch Dukes of Hazzard with DH. I feel lazy. Laundry needs to be done, and I also need to clean DH's gear from the field tomorrow. Ugh that's such a big messy job I'm not looking forward to that one! Oh well, no avoiding it!

Hope ya'll having a good weekend :)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I'm Back!

I'm back everyone!

So sorry about the unexpected hiatus- I guess it was a mixture of being not sure what to write about, being uninspired, or just being busy! Since I last posted a fair bit has happened.

In July, DH left to go to California for his pre-deployment training. Then for 2 weeks I got to catch up with my mother, who came to the United States to speak at a convention at Arizona State University, then she went to New York City (lucky thing!) to catch up with friends, then finally to North Carolina to catch up with me :) My mother and I spent time in Raleigh, Asheville, then back to Jacksonville so I could show her where I lived, etc.

Surprisingly enough, my mother actually accepted Jacksonville as a reasonable place to live- after all it has everything and isn't far from spectacular beaches at places like Emerald Isle! It isn't so bad here after all :) She also liked my house, and thankfully was complimentary on my housekeeping skills! (that's a first!)

After she left, there has been a series of unfortunate events, which I vented about/seeked advice on, in the PH forums. DH got back last night though and he is going to ensure that everything is sorted out. I'll be honest, DH and I were going through a bit of a rough patch for a while, but I think he's just been stressed about everything going on, and his deployment. All is forgiven and forgotten.

I transferred over the last of the money I had left in Australia, and paid off DH's personal loan, and one of his credit cards to take a bit of pressure off us and keep the debt collectors at bay! He's happy about that, and after a brief discussion agreed to let me hide that particular credit card so that it can't be used except in a mutually agreed upon emergency!

You know I really don't know what I'm going to do while he's in Iraq for so long- by then, everyone will have moved out of the house, and I think that somehow, being alone, even in this tiny house, will make it feel huge :( I really hope that I have my work visa by then because at least if I can throw myself into work, hopefully the days will pass by quicker and I can keep myself busy!

Also, while he's away- I've made a plan to lose 75 lbs over the course of 1 year. That's about 1.5 lbs every week. I know, I know, you're probably thinking I don't need to lose 75 lbs! But believe me, I do!

I think I've mentioned it before- but, almost everyone who looks at me underestimates how much I weigh. One of my good friends back in St. Louis laughed at me when I told her, and said I was "crazy". Nope, I'm not crazy. I'm just heavy! I've gained so much weight since I moved to America 2 years ago! It's gone straight to my hips, tummy, and thighs! I feel like a bloated hippopotamus!

I even had a slight argument with the lady who issued my military spouse ID back in April. She laughed too, when I told her, and she's like "no way! I say you weigh xxx-amount" and put that instead! Maybe I just carry my weight well, or dress to hide my weight well, I'm not sure. Either way though, I'm disgusted when I look in the mirror. And I know that my current weight is far from healthy.

When I first moved here I went to Curves for a month to try and burn off some weight, but, we couldn't afford the monthly fee for me to continue to go so after my 1 month trial I cancelled.

I think it will be easier for me to lose weight though, once I've got the house to myself, and I'm not cooking for 4 or more adults every night. I can actually focus on what I should be eating for my health, not what I know will please everybody else!

We live on far too many carbohydrates, far too much meat, and far too many fats!

Admittedly I formed a lot of bad culinary habits when I lived by myself in St. Louis, I was working anywhere between 60-75 hours per week, often for up to a month straight without any days off. When I got home I was entirely exhausted, and instead of cooking a nutritious meal for myself, I'd just shove something in the Microwave and pig out on convenient snack food, or just get a fast food take out if I hadn't had time to do the grocery shopping.

Then to make matters worse, while I was at work, to get energy when working the frequent double shifts, I'd eat. Remember, I worked at a Hotel, and I'll be honest with you- everybody 'stole' food from the kitchen throughout the night. Whether it be leftover cookies that had been baked and not sold in room service, haagen daaz icecream from the deep freeze, whatever it was- the night crew always pigged out.

My over eating too, was probably a result of the depression I was diagnosed with early this year. I just hated my job, and my life, and myself so much!

I'm seriously much more content with my life now, and even though 99% of the time all of our meals are home cooked, I always dish myself out portions which are far too big, and I always cook comfort foods! Tater Tot Casserole, Fried Chicken, Crock Pot Potatoes, Spaghetti Bolognaise & Garlic Bread! It's far from being healthy, even if it's always a hearty meal!

So I'm proposing that I get rid of any notions I have of dieting. Because for me, every time I've tried to diet, I can't stick to it! My new diet is going to be a plan of my own creation, and I'll let you all in on it once I've worked out the finer details :)

While DH is in Iraq, this blog is going to be a mix of venting about his deployment, my probably non-existant life while he's deployed, and most importantly my weight loss journey. DH is deploying in September so the plan starts then!

Again, sorry about the unannounced hiatus, I hope you're all doing well :)

Monday, June 9, 2008

Aussie Sausage Rolls Recipe

Well, I tweaked a couple of Aussie Sausage Rolls recipes the other night and came up with something that was a huge hit, so much so that the boys (I swear I've always got half a dozen marines at my house at any given time!) were actually talking about how 'badassed' they were the next day! Sorry I didn't take photographs of the Sausage Rolls, I will next time though!

1 lb pork mince (ground pork)
a few sprigs of fresh parsley
1 medium carrott- grated
1 onion- finely chopped
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp cayenne (red pepper)
1 tbsp butter- melted
4 sheets of puff pastry
1 egg yolk
2 tsp water

1) In a bowl, mix together Pork, Carrott, Onion, Parsley, Salt, Pepper, Nutmeg, Cayenne and Melted Butter until evenly combined

2) Cut each piece of pastry in half

3) Spoon out pork mixture on to pastry and create a 'sausage' shape length ways, about 1 inch wide, and about 1 inch from the side of the pastry

4) Roll pastry with mixture and push together seams. Brush with mixture of egg yolk & water.

5) Cut each roll into quarters (4 sausage rolls per half a pastry sheet)

6) Place on lined baking tray, then in oven at 450F for 10 minutes

7) Reduce heat to 375F and bake for a further 20 minutes

8) Let cool for 5 minutes, then serve with a side of brown gravy or ketchup!

And they should end up looking something like this! I promise to include my own photos of the step by step process next time :)

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Point Of Known Return

Things are better. A lot better now since my last post. Life and reality just seemed to hit DH and me very hard the other week, and in very different ways. We dealt with the issues in our own ways though, and are now contently moving on.

Whatever angels are looking out for us right now, they're doing a good job! DH & I were worried about how we were going to pay the bills this month because we'd had so many unexpected expenses, we were about to go into more debt and concerned that there was no way we could possibly make ends meet.

For a few days, we'd had another newlywed couple staying with us while they looked for a home in the area. They were good friends of DH's and honestly were no trouble whatsoever, in fact I was enjoying having them, despite the fact that our little house was a lot more crowded!

Then yesterday, C was meant to be returning home to Kentucky but asked if she could stay on, as she'd been unsuccessful in finding a suitable house so far (there really is a shortage of decent rentals in this town, and base housing has an 8 month backlog). Of course I agreed, after all, it took me 6 weeks to get a house in JVille, 4 of those weeks I had to be away from DH because I had nowhere in town to live, so I understood their predicament. Anyhow, she has offered to make a substantial contribution to the rent and utilities, which is actually an answer to our prayers.

I asked DH and he agreed that they could definitely stay for a bit longer, and any financial contribution is a blessing. Honestly even though I'd be happy to have them free of charge, the notion that we may actually be able to pay all our bills this month after all cheers us both up exceptionally. It will give us more time to get back on our feet, after all.

You would have thought that two newlywed couples in a tiny little 2 bedroom house with barely room to swing a cat would be awkward, but it honestly isn't so bad. They're a delightful couple and very easy to live with.

Life is back on track :)

Saturday, May 31, 2008

All I Ever Wanted

I'm a failure at this.

I'm positively horrible at this.

I'm miserable.

My husband is even more miserable.

This is not how it was meant to be.

I honestly can't do anything right it seems. No matter how hard I try. And for an over acheiver like myself, it hurts a hell of a lot. I'm trying, I really am. But for some reason the puzzle pieces just aren't falling into place.

I know he's stressed about his work, and his upcoming deployment, and the situation with his ex-girlfriend.

I know I'm stressed about all of the legal work required to allow me to stay in the country.

Additionally we're both stressed about our financial situation which seems to be getting worse by the day. It just seems like it's been one thing after another. And I don't seem to be able to make things right. I don't want to harp on about the things he spends his money on. He's the one receiving the income right now, so I don't feel I have a right to say anything.

But now we can't even pay next months rent without taking out a loan. We've only been at our house 2 weeks (I paid the deposit + first 2 weeks rent, next is due June 01). And even though Chris just got paid the other day, with all of the allotments that have come out, in addition to his spending, we're already on the verge of being overdrawn.

As for my savings, I'm skint. I paid $300 deposit to get the electric on, $270 deposit for the water company, $750 deposit on the house plus $425 for the first two weeks, in addition to over $1000 for the Uhaul from Missouri, plus the groceries and any extra items we've needed for the house. I'm scared to even check my bank balance because I know it will near be non existant.

I don't want money and finances to rule our lives. But at the moment it is. Somehow the stress of it's non entity seems to be frustrating us both beyond belief.

I'm not blaming DH for our situation right now, I should have budgetted my own money more effectively so that I could contribute more, however money does seem to just slip through his fingers. He's a very spontaneous person, and I've always liked that about him... but it seems he's a very spontaneous shopper as well.

To make things worse, he's beyond aggrevated at me right now. Most likely with good reason. I've been acting selfish lately it seems.

He left the house just after 8am this morning, it's now almost 2:30pm and he's not answering his phone and I'm worried about him. Best case scenario, he's out having fun and misplaced his phone. But possible situations are running through my mind at the moment which I'd rather not even mention. Mind you, I probably deserve this.

I got really upset over dinner the other night. About everything. To the point where I completely lost my appetite (highly unusual for me!) and felt like I was about to burst into tears. I told him I was going to put gas in my car... well, I filled up my Buick with gas then decided to go to the beach to just chill for a while to clear my head.

I called my Mum and spoke to her about the situation, and she told me to go home and talk to Chris about it. Thing was, because of the detour (road closure) from Topsail Beach, I got a bit confused and coming home took longer than anticipated. Consequently I didn't get home til about midnight. Obviously my husband was less than pleased to put it mildly.

I know what I did was wrong, I should have called him or something, but I didn't have the words, I didn't quite know what to say to him. I was still hurting far too much inside.

I still am.

Maybe I'm looking at this the entirely wrong way. I'm not sure. It's killing me knowing he's not happy. But everything I do to try and ammend things just seems to make things worse.

I know I'm a screwed up individual. And that's an understatement. I know that I'm needy of affection, attention, and just overall approval, mainly because I lacked all of the above growing up. Consequently I know it gets on peoples nerves sometimes, despite the fact that I'm aware of it and try my hardest to put other peoples needs before my own.

But I honestly am trying. I want to be a good wife.

But all I've become his a huge pain in the @$$.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

That's The Marine Corps For Ya

Well, Chris had to go back to work 3 days early. His SSgt called the house yesterday. I'm wishing I'd never answered the phone. *sigh* So consequently last night was a mad rush to go down to the laundromat and get his uniforms cleaned (our washer & dryer is yet to be delivered) and get everything sorted for today.

He was really not in a good mood this morning. Neither am I to tell you the honest truth. There's still so much more to do, now it's going to be down to me for the next few days. Thankfully he still has the weekend off- (he should technically have been getting a 96 since it's memorial day weekend but gosh knows what's happening anymore). We're going up to Kentucky for one of his friend's weddings.

At least we got the stuff sorted out at the bank yesterday. But honestly, it's just one thing after another with us. We both have issues with our car registrations at the moment (long long long story), I need to start studying to get my drivers licence changed over to North Carolina (being an Australian, and never having gotten a US Drivers licence before- I have to retake the written and practical tests... prac is fine, written is the one I'm concerned about).

And to top it all off- everything is working out to be much more expensive in this state than either of us anticipated. I swear the Tarheel state nickel and dimes you on everything. And makes nothing easy!

We miss the midwest!!! :(

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Sorry For The Hiatus!

Well, here I am in my house in North Carolina at last! My apologies for the Hiatus- as you can imagine I've been super busy with moving, etc. DH has been absolutely wonderful about everything. I know how much of a pain it had to have been to help me pack all of my stuff up out of my apartment (even though after we got rid of some stuff to Goodwill, my entire life barely half filled a regular size U-Haul!).

We then went to Indianapolis for a couple of days to see his family- his mother is such a sweetheart, she had bought me a new black handbag, and apparently I'm the only girl Chris has ever brought home that she actually likes. (Okay considering I'm his wife that's a good thing! If you hadn't been following previously- I didn't actually meet his folks until the night after we got married!). Anyhow I head down here Thursday night in my car because I needed to pick up the keys Friday morning, and had an appointment for the phone/cable/internet connection. I also had to organize for the electricity, trash collection and water to be switched over into our names.

DH left Indy after lunch on Friday and got down in the early hours of Saturday morning. So our first night together in the house was spent sleeping on the floor because we were both too tired to unload the Uhaul! Yesterday was mainly spent unloading the Uhaul- and the house currently looks like the Wreck of the Hespares because we kinda just dumped it all in here til we get all our stuff sorted out. Apart from our beds (we're using his from Indianapolis in the master bedroom, and mine from St. Louis as the spare bed in the spare room), and my desk and bookshelf, we don't really have any big stuff but we seem to both have a lot of boxes of little useless stuff. We'll get it sorted though. Eventually! At least we've got one of the beds set up so we could actually have a good night's rest last night!

Anyhow at the moment DH is getting his oil changed in his car. And I thought I'd get online quickly to tell ya'll what was happening! I need to get dressed here soon though, when DH gets back he is picking up a sofa & a loveseat that his friend is kindly donating to us, and I need to get down to Walmart to buy a microwave (the one I had in St. Louis came with the apartment) and some other random stuff that we need. DH & I also need to get to Sears sometime within the next few days to invest in a washer & dryer!

All in all though, things are going very very smoothly- here are a few pics of the inside of our house (and the view from the windows) before we unloaded everything from the Uhaul! I'll take some more once we have everything organized inside :)