All I Ever Wanted

I'm a failure at this.

I'm positively horrible at this.

I'm miserable.

My husband is even more miserable.

This is not how it was meant to be.

I honestly can't do anything right it seems. No matter how hard I try. And for an over acheiver like myself, it hurts a hell of a lot. I'm trying, I really am. But for some reason the puzzle pieces just aren't falling into place.

I know he's stressed about his work, and his upcoming deployment, and the situation with his ex-girlfriend.

I know I'm stressed about all of the legal work required to allow me to stay in the country.

Additionally we're both stressed about our financial situation which seems to be getting worse by the day. It just seems like it's been one thing after another. And I don't seem to be able to make things right. I don't want to harp on about the things he spends his money on. He's the one receiving the income right now, so I don't feel I have a right to say anything.

But now we can't even pay next months rent without taking out a loan. We've only been at our house 2 weeks (I paid the deposit + first 2 weeks rent, next is due June 01). And even though Chris just got paid the other day, with all of the allotments that have come out, in addition to his spending, we're already on the verge of being overdrawn.

As for my savings, I'm skint. I paid $300 deposit to get the electric on, $270 deposit for the water company, $750 deposit on the house plus $425 for the first two weeks, in addition to over $1000 for the Uhaul from Missouri, plus the groceries and any extra items we've needed for the house. I'm scared to even check my bank balance because I know it will near be non existant.

I don't want money and finances to rule our lives. But at the moment it is. Somehow the stress of it's non entity seems to be frustrating us both beyond belief.

I'm not blaming DH for our situation right now, I should have budgetted my own money more effectively so that I could contribute more, however money does seem to just slip through his fingers. He's a very spontaneous person, and I've always liked that about him... but it seems he's a very spontaneous shopper as well.

To make things worse, he's beyond aggrevated at me right now. Most likely with good reason. I've been acting selfish lately it seems.

He left the house just after 8am this morning, it's now almost 2:30pm and he's not answering his phone and I'm worried about him. Best case scenario, he's out having fun and misplaced his phone. But possible situations are running through my mind at the moment which I'd rather not even mention. Mind you, I probably deserve this.

I got really upset over dinner the other night. About everything. To the point where I completely lost my appetite (highly unusual for me!) and felt like I was about to burst into tears. I told him I was going to put gas in my car... well, I filled up my Buick with gas then decided to go to the beach to just chill for a while to clear my head.

I called my Mum and spoke to her about the situation, and she told me to go home and talk to Chris about it. Thing was, because of the detour (road closure) from Topsail Beach, I got a bit confused and coming home took longer than anticipated. Consequently I didn't get home til about midnight. Obviously my husband was less than pleased to put it mildly.

I know what I did was wrong, I should have called him or something, but I didn't have the words, I didn't quite know what to say to him. I was still hurting far too much inside.

I still am.

Maybe I'm looking at this the entirely wrong way. I'm not sure. It's killing me knowing he's not happy. But everything I do to try and ammend things just seems to make things worse.

I know I'm a screwed up individual. And that's an understatement. I know that I'm needy of affection, attention, and just overall approval, mainly because I lacked all of the above growing up. Consequently I know it gets on peoples nerves sometimes, despite the fact that I'm aware of it and try my hardest to put other peoples needs before my own.

But I honestly am trying. I want to be a good wife.

But all I've become his a huge pain in the @$$.