Alright, Wild Child

Based on the past decade or so of my life, people expect me to still be the same. But I'm so much more content now. At the same time, something inside me still wants to cater to my 'old' friends expectations of me.

Out of the blue the other day, a girl I used to work with 2+ years ago found me on Facebook, and after adding her it started a chain reaction of people from the past finding me through her Facebook and also requesting to add me as a friend, and emailing. And it's blaringly obvious that they don't expect me to have changed a bit.

I've had a lot of fun in my life, but most of my behavior has always been a front for the inner turmoil I've experienced most of my existance. Although not being officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder until the beginning of this year, I know that I've been struggling with it for many, many years. To cover up my problems, in public I was always a riot, a fast talking, hard drinking, chain smoking, outgoing center of attention.

One thing I was always responsible with was money, but then I'd blow all my savings on traveling the world and getting up to all kinds of mischief that more than anything would make an excellent screenplay that may even make the most seasoned of Hollywood veterens doubtful to it's credibility. I have sinned in almost every way possible. But I'm not proud of it.

Somewhere amongst all of the parties that lasted for days, the men, the substance abuse... I was still a self confessed history geek. Somehow I still managed to stick my nose in a book at every available opportunity, and not lose sight of the fact that despite my behavior, this wasn't really me. There was always a scared little girl inside simply seeking the approval of others.

In the process though, I pushed away a lot of people who cared about me, and had a lot of passengers in my life. People who were along for the ride, but not the journey.

The transition away from the life I was leading was a gradual one, but it took a few events in which I truly hit rock bottom, to make me realize that I needed to change. I'd only succeed in destroying myself otherwise.

But it dismays me that so many people were attracted to, and liked, who I was. Even the guy I met my husband through, who's known me 2+ years, still seems to expect me to be the outgoing, extroverted, but shallow and stupid Australian girl who will drink everyone under the table and behave like the world is going to end any minute.

It also makes me wonder about the conversations he and my husband have had about me. DH asked me recently "So where's this wild side I keep hearing about? I've never seen it." No. He's never seen it. It was over and done with and locked away by the time I met him. But seemingly he's still heard the stories. Funny thing is, I wonder if he too would have preferred the wild child facade. But would he still have fallen in love with me, then?

There was a lot of lust associated on behalf of men, with who I used to be. But nobody could ever truly love the twisted creature that I was. I was so out of touch with myself, and with reality. I've still got the scars from it all though, the emotional and the physical.

I can see why my DH is intrigued by the girl he's heard about. But it seems so far removed from everything I stand for now, who I am, and who I want to be, who I need to be.

I pray for strength. I pray for sanity.

But I wonder if it was really all completely a facade, or whether somewhere, deep down, the evil rebellious spirit is still inside me, and will want to escape some day? It scares me that I might go back to my old ways someday. That I might just snap.

Deus, dona mihi firmitatem. (God Give Me Strength)