Wreck This Heart

I don't really have anything to base 'how to be a good wife' on. Unless of course you count the numerous 50s TV shows such as Leave It To Beaver and I Love Lucy that I grew up adoring and watching religiously. But it's far from reality, isn't it?

Growing up, I never had any positive role models pertaining to the cliché family. I'm an only child to a single mother, who was rarely ever there. I love her with all my heart, of course I do, but not only are we in different countries now, we've always been on different planets. As I've gotten older, I've come to understand why my mother is who she is, why she does what she does. But for the longest time I've vowed never to become her.

I understand that my mother needs love, attention and adoration from men. And I understand that I was always perceived as being in the way of her life. I know she feels she could have achieved so much more had she not had a child. She probably would have, too...

Don't get me wrong, I know that my mother loves me, cares about me, but she doesn't really know me.

These days though I am speaking to my mother a little more than usual, I used to speak to her maybe once every few months, nowadays it's once every week or two, so that's an improvement. She's indifferent to the fact that I got married- it's better than her being against it at least.

Too many people have been against it. And I truly don't understand why they are.

A man I became friends with down in Tennessee while on my travels, had been married 3 times, divorced 3 times. He always told me that the piece of paper changes people. To be careful. To think about what I'm doing. And although he had never met Chris, he had issues with the fact that Chris was only 21. "I've got underwear older than that kid!" JC would say to me. Too much information, buddy!

But I chose not to listen to others. This was my life after all. Even so I've looked in dismay at a lot of the married couples I've known in my life. A constant case of infedelity, bickering, backstabbing. And it scares me.

I'm a perfectionist in everything I do. But I often learn by example. And due to the lack of good examples in my life, I'm terrified that I'm going to fail as a wife. Maybe I'm the one who's changed since I got that bit of paper. Maybe I'm all of a sudden analyzing this situation too much. Maybe it will be better when we move in together for good in May.

The thing is, I don't really know how to tell Chris about my concerns. I've never been good at expressing my emotions verbally to others (despite being able to write them in diary entries and blog entries). I know it's something I need to work on. Nevertheless, I'll try to talk to him when I see him next week, it's not the kind of thing I can discuss on the phone, (I hate talking on the phone).

Anyhow, today I've got a lot of cleaning up and packing to do. I've decided I'm going to deep clean my apartment room by room. I'll start with the bathroom and my walk in closet today. I don't have long before the move after all. Tomorrow I'll get the kitchen and living room out of the way. Then I'll conquer my bedroom. It's not really anything that hard, but I've decided to clean my carpets, flooring, walls, dust, and of course pack everything that I don't need immediately.

It least it will distract me for a while.

I think too much.